Cloud Absolutely Sick of Being Objectified

A local cumulonimbus cloud, spotted in the skies over the southeastern part of the city is absolutely sick of being objectified.

The cloud first appeared in the sky at dawn, noted one resident, “The way the morning sunlight struck the cloud made it appear as if it was a beautiful hummingbird taking flight into the first light of day.”

Another eyewitness, seeing the cloud from a more westerly direction thought that the cloud resembled a dinosaur riding a skateboard or perhaps a donkey drinking a margarita.

All over town differing objectifications of the cloud abounded.

“Listen to me and listen good,” the cloud was quoted as saying, “I am absolutely sick of being objectifiedby people who know nothing about me. I am a cumulonimbus cloud composed of water vapor carried upward by powerful air currents, not an alien riding a skateboard, or President Abe Lincoln talking to a giraffe. I mean where do these people get the nerve?”

“Do you know that I was formed in a high pressure system? Do you realize how difficult it is to excel in that kind of situation? I beat the odds and I’ll be damned if all my hard work is going to be brushed aside just because I’m a well developed cloud, characterized by a flat, anvil-like top extending twenty thousand feet into the troposphere.”

 This is a cloud.

This is a cloud.

“I understand where the cloud is coming from,” said local resident Susan Barber, “I’m a lawyer and a doctor, but because I’m a woman I’ve been seen as a sexual object instead of a smart, professional human being. Still, I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say, that cloud looks a lot like Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia playing hopscotch with a dolphin.”

Others agreed.

Many who watched the cloud as it traversed across the sky felt that as the day wore on, the cloud resembled a turtle, the planet Uranus and a marionette holding a shotgun.

“Total fucking bullshit,” said the cloud, “Look I’m sorry I had to use bad language but understand that I am so much more than my outward appearance. For instance do those people realize that without me there would be no rain? Good luck growing food without rain. Does anyone give two shits that I offer shade on a hot day? Maybe I should just dissipate and leave them with a clear blue sky and a nasty sunburn. I swear to god nobody ever does this to Cirrus clouds.”  

As evening fell the cloud became heavy with moisture. Many locals stepped outside to marvel at the quickly darkening cloud that looked a lot like a dragon eating a sandwich. At six thirty local time the cloud burst open causing torrential rains, flash flooding and multiple lighting strikes.

“I wish I could say I was sorry but I’m not,” the cloud was later quoted, “Here’s the deal, if you constantly objectify things then we’re all headed for disaster. If those people had decided that I looked like a mature, cumulonimbus storm cell instead of a gigantic Twinkie with arms, they could have avoided calamity. I hope this serves a lesson going forward. I’m a cloud and if you treat me as a cloud with the respect and dignity I deserve than society as a whole can move forward in peace and prosperity. If you keep insisting that I’m a flying car or a shark smoking a cigar then it’s not my fault if you get struck with lighting.”

The cloud was not observed in the sky the next day, although later in the week, the National Weather Service did spot a cloud over a neighboring town which looked just like a woman with enormous breasts.