Ask Gregson: Halloween Edition

Gregson Gregoolly is an award winning columnist who answers your questions about life, love and the pursuit of joyfulness. His column has appeared in every major newspaper in the country and has been translated into over fifteen thousand languages. Today Gregson tackles your tough Halloween questions.

Dear Gregson,

My wife is a hobgoblin and I’m a demon sprite, we’ve been married for twenty thousand wonderful years, but this Halloween has been very stressful. She recently told me that she wants kids. I would prefer a dog. We have the whole family coming for Halloween dinner and I’m afraid of a big argument. What can I do?

-Unsure in Utica

It sounds to me like the two of you just need to compromise a little. You can have both. There are all kinds of great recipes out there for children and dog. Might I suggest a Turchilldog? It’s a child stuffed inside a dog stuffed inside a turkey. I believe communication is key, so talk to each other and this year’s Halloween dinner will be the best yet.

Dear Gregson,

I’ve recently started dating a vampire. He’s dark, moody and handsome. The only problem is he drinks a lot. Every time we’re together he gets drunk on blood and becomes erratic and verbally abusive. Is this all it’s ever going to be? I want to give him a chance but I don’t know how much longer I can hang in there. What should I do?

Confused in California

Dating a vampire is hard. Sometimes the undead have a funny way of showing their feelings. Don’t worry, it sounds like your boyfriend is just testing you. If you hang in there he will definitely bite you. Show some patience and you’ll be part of his blood pack in no time.

Dear Gregson,

I met my witch wife fifteen years ago at a bagna cauldron party. I remember hearing her grating, high pitched, make your ears bleed cackling from across the room and wondering how anyone could put up with that sound. Well needless to say she put a spell on me and we’ve been together ever since. Lately though the fire has gone out. Her cackle no longer excites me. I’ve been depressed. Some mornings I can’t even get up, like I’ve been chained to the bed. What do I need to do to get my marriage back on track? Please help.

Depressed in Denver

It sounds like the spell has worn off and the reason you feel chained to the bed is because you are actually chained to the bed. This can happen when your wife is a real witch. She cast a marriage spell on you fifteen years ago and you’ve been living in a state of matrimony completely against your will. Don’t worry though there’s a simple fix. Just have her recast the spell and you can go back to being blissfully in love with an unholy, wart covered, cackling monster.

Dear Gregson,

My husband is a werewolf who works late hours for an insurance company. Recently I’ve begun to suspect that he’s having an affair with his secretary. He’s taking a business trip later this month and she’s going with him. I want to trust my husband but I don’t know if I should. Any advice?

Suspicious in Sacramento

It sounds like your husband is absolutely having an affair, but not for the reasons you think. When the next full moon hits and he turns into a horrific beast, with a lust for the taste of human flesh, it will be his secretary that he tears apart and not you. He’s clearly luring her into his trap so that he can spare you. Your husband really loves you. You should consider yourself lucky. You should also keep a gun with silver bullets handy.

Dear Gregson,

I recently ate the soul of my jealous ex-girlfriend. The problem is I’ve eaten the souls of all my jealous ex-girlfriends and now I’ve got some serious internal conflict going on. How can I feel better about this?

Guilty in Gettysburg

You just need to burp.

Dear Gregson,

I’m one of Satan’s spawn and he totally disapproves of my boyfriend. Every time he comes over my Dad answers the door holding his pitchfork and threatens him with eternal damnation. We’re totally in love. I would run away with him but we’re still in high school. How can I get my Dad to like him?

Frustrated in Ft. Lauderdale

Have you thought about getting pregnant? If there is one thing Satan loves its teen pregnancy. If you ruin your life I bet your Dad will finally find it in his cold black heart to accept your boyfriend and his evil grand spawn.  

That’s all for Ask Gregson Halloween Edition. Look forward to next month when Gregson will answer all of those tough Thanksgiving questions. Happy Halloween!