Ask Gregson: Thanksgiving Edition

Gregson Gregoolly is an award winning columnist who answers your questions about life, love and the pursuit of joyfulness. His column has appeared in every major newspaper in the country and has been translated into over fifteen thousand languages. Today Gregson tackles your amazing Thanksgiving questions.

Dear Gregson,

This year it’s my turn to make the pumpkin pie. I’ve never made a pie before and the big day is fast approaching. Can you recommend an easy Pumpkin Pie recipe that even a novice could make?

Beginner in Bellevue

Pumpkin Pie is my favorite Thanksgiving dessert, and an easy one to make, here’s a recipe that my grandma used to make every year that would satisfy even the toughest of taste buds. Get a large pumpkin, cut it open, dump in three pounds of sugar, a can of whipping cream, a log of butter and two pounds of ground beef, cook it at 500 degrees for nine hours and wall-a, you’ve got yourself a delicious pumpkin pie.

Dear Gregson,

Traveling for Thanksgiving is hard. My wife and I wanted to take a trip this year but with all the crowds and the hassle of flying we decided to stay home. My wife is a little disappointed that we didn’t go anywhere. What can I do to cheer her up?

At Home in Humpleberry

Thanksgiving travel is a stressful and often times difficult experience. Being away from family and friends is never fun but I have the perfect fix for your wife’s Thanksgiving blues. On Thanksgiving morning, get up early, go to downtown Humpleberry and ask around for a gentleman named Shady Rick. Make sure to bring cash. Rick will hook you up with a little something that will overload the pleasure centers of your brains and have you and your wife taking a trip to the center of your minds for twelve to fifteen hours.

Dear Gregson,

A power outage at my house has completely ruined Thanksgiving! My frozen turkey is no longer frozen and has spoiled. I have over seventeen people coming to dinner. The local supermarket ran out of turkeys and there’s no time left to order one. Last night a couple of pigeons flew into my sliding glass door and died. Can I pass them off as the turkey?

Overwhelmed in Oakdale

You can absolutely pass them off as the turkey. Once a bird has been de-feathered and cooked it is scientifically impossible to tell what kind of bird it once was. If you wanted, you could tell your guests you killed an ancient Archaeopteryx, cooked it for Thanksgiving dinner, and there would be no way for them to prove otherwise. Cook the pigeons and tell everyone it’s the turkey. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and bon appétit.

Dear Gregson,

I was thinking of serving a spiral ham this year instead of a turkey for Thanksgiving. Do you think that’s a good idea?

Hammy in Miami

I think serving a spiral ham on turkey day is about as good of an idea as sticking your face in a whirling plane propeller.

Dear Gregson,

My daughter is learning about the pilgrims and the first Thanksgiving. While I think it’s good to know, I also want to point out some of the historical inaccuracies that seem to get glossed over. How should I tell her about the darker parts of early American history?

Concerned in Connecticut

Be honest. There is no reason your daughter shouldn’t learn about how the Pilgrims, in their darkest hour, fought side by side with the Native Americans and the Sasquatch against the gobbling hordes of blood thirsty Turkey Monsters. And I’m sure she’ll be excited to hear how the pilgrim hero, Smith Smithson, saved the pilgrims from starvation by inventing corn.

Dear Gregson,

I’m bringing my new girlfriend to Thanksgiving. This will be her first time meeting my family and I’m really nervous because my family likes white meat and she loves dark meat. My family won’t even allow dark meat at the table. I really love her and I think that she’s the one. What should I do? 

Scared in San Antonio

If you love her then you need to stand up to your family. It is absolutely disgusting that people still judge a person by the type of turkey meat that they like to eat, and not, by the appropriateness of their behavior at the dinner table. We are first and foremost human beings, complex and beautiful. Help your family to open their minds and hearts, and realize that though we may eat meat of a different color, we are all the same.

Dear Gregson,

I’m a hot, young, busty coed with an insatiable sexual appetite. I have a real fetish for Thanksgiving food, and the sight of all that turkey, pumpkin pie, and especially the stuffing really turns me on. It’s a miracle if my clothes stay on past the saying of Grace. Also my parents are divorced. Which house should I visit this year for Thanksgiving?

Horny in Helena

My house.

That’s all for Ask Gregson Thanksgiving Edition. Look forward to next month when Gregson will answer all of those magical Christmas questions. Happy Thanksgiving!