Amid wild speculation about which Christmas gift, rich asshole and hedge fund billionaire, Charles Hartman will be getting this year, reports are that it will definitely be a brand new luxury car with a big red bow on it.
Early indications were that he might be getting a new yacht or possibly a Gulfstream G550, but those reports were cast aside as merely smokescreens to hide the true gift he would be receiving, that of a sleek, silver, black or red vehicle that absolutely defines driving opulence.
“I seriously thought it might be a new jet ski or a maybe just a pile of gold,” said Federal Judge and neighbor, Richard Kennedy, “but I guess there really was only one thing that Charles could be getting for Christmas and that’s a five hundred thousand dollar rolling penthouse with a glitter infused red bow on it.”
All of the residents of the uber exclusive gated community of Whispering Willows, will definitely be getting up early on Christmas morning to watch Charles, dressed in his most expensive Egyptian cotton pajamas, bound from the front door of his multi-million dollar home, out into the cold magical air, to find a brand new symbol of decadence waiting for him in his driveway.
“I really don’t know what to expect,” said Charles, “One thing’s for sure; I’m going to be really surprised whether it’s a brand new Rolls Royce or possibly just a wheelbarrow filled with money. As long as there’s a big red bow on it my Christmas will be awesome.”
As the big day closes in one disturbing report from Wall Street, regarding an impending investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission into fraudulent practices, indicated that Charles might not be getting anything at all.
“The only thing that rich asshole is getting for Christmas is a pair of handcuffs,” said lead SEC investigator and father of five, Stan Grittman, “do you know what I’m getting for Christmas this year? The knowledge that I helped put a piece of shit like Charles Hartman in prison for the rest of his life. I mean, where’s my brand new car with a big red bow on it? Huh? The only new thing that’s going to be in my driveway is the rust forming on the wheel wells of my two-thousand-and-one Ford Taurus.”
Still, despite reports to the contrary, Charles is thought to be getting a magnificent vehicle of awe inspiring proportions, with a beautifully tied gigantic red bow, nestled perfectly on the hood.
“Look, I know I’ve been bad this year,” said Charles, “but come on. Christmas is all about forgiveness and getting a really incredible gift. If that happens to be a brand new car that costs the yearly salary of ten of my employees then so be it. Tell you what, if I get something really awesome, maybe something with four wheels, supple leather seats and a giant red bow on it, I promise to re-institute my company’s health plan next year.”
Charles was arrested early on Christmas Eve and booked on over three hundred counts of insider trading and securities fraud. The judge in the case, Richard Kennedy, set Charles’ bail at one thousand dollars.
“I just couldn’t let Charles spend Christmas Eve in jail. I mean what kind of a person would I be if I did that?”
Luckily for Charles, he had a thousand dollars in his pocket that he had forgotten about, and immediately posted bail. Reports are that Charles is resting at home with his trophy wife eagerly waiting for Christmas morning, where he will dash outside to see his new vehicle and then board a Gulfstream G550 and flee the country.