Santa Claus: The Truth

In an effort to bring more truth to the Holiday Season, here are ten facts that debunk the long held notion that Santa Claus is some magical elf, living in the North Pole, building toys all year, with the goal of delivering presents to all the World’s children.

1.       Santa Claus is not a magical elf living at the North Pole; he is a mutant rat living in the sewers beneath the streets.

2.       He doesn’t climb down the chimney; instead he enters your home via your toilet to deliver his presents.

3.       His reindeer are actually four mutated Testudines, or turtles, that drive him around, not in a flying magical sleigh, but in a creepy, disgusting sewer van.

4.       Santa’s former head toy maker, Shredder, who earned his name by the way he would tear into presents, now leads a rival Christmas present delivery outfit that delivers presents solely on foot.

The Real Santa Claus

The Real Santa Claus

5.       Santa has inked a business deal with independent toy maker, Casey Jones, to help out with the overwhelming holiday rush. Casey Jones is best known for wearing a hockey mask to scare children into accepting his presents.

6.       Mrs. Claus is actually the code name given to news reporter April O’Neill, who has been hired by Santa, to execute a smear campaign against Shredder, depicting him and his Foot Clan, as common thugs, hell bent on ruining Christmas, and not delightfully jolly, masked men, who break into your home to deliver holiday cheer.

7.       It’s best to leave trash and pizza out for Santa and his turtles instead of cookies and milk.

8.       Recently Shredder has taken a page out of Santa’s playbook and hired a humanoid mutant warthog named Bebop, and a humanoid mutant black rhinoceros named Rocksteady, to be the public faces of his delivery company in order to win the hearts of children everywhere.

9.       Rudolph’s real name is Raphael. His nose isn’t red but green, and he can kick your ass.

10.   Santa does not say, Ho-Ho-Ho, instead he will sometimes say Cowabunga!