In a press conference today, NASA announced that stranded Mars astronaut, Doug Lumper, was probably just going to be left there.
“Look, this is a hard decision, but after crunching the numbers we decided that it’s just too much time and money to go all the way back to Mars for one guy, especially a guy like Doug,” said NASA Spokesperson Randy Centauri.
Doug Lumper, son of Senator Lumper of California, was a high school drop-out, who up until he began the NASA astronaut program, lived in his parents’ basement and played video games all day. It was widely reported that his inclusion in the space program was done merely to curry favor with the government for much needed scientific funding.
“Not at all,” said Senator Lumper, “Doug earned his way into that program. It had nothing to do with votes and funding. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was great to get him out of the house, and for that I’m eternally grateful to NASA, but to suggest that I in turn voted to give them more money is ludicrous.”
When it was pointed out that the Senate did vote to give NASA extra funding, specifically for the Mars manned mission, Senator Lumper responded with, “They were asking for two billion and they only got one so who’s doing who a favor here? I just saved the American taxpayers a lot of money.”
Doug’s space training was no walk in the park.
“He was always showing up late for training,” said astronaut Rick Stone, Captain of the Mars manned mission, “He never took anything seriously and he stunk like a mixture of body odor and burritos. I don’t think he ever took a shower.”
“This one time, we got geared up in our space suits and got into that big pool that everyone saw in the movie Armageddon, Doug just wore his bathing suit. It was a total lack of respect for everything we were trying to accomplish. He took a shit in the pool. A shit!”
Captain Stone along with astronauts Melissa Tuttle, Adrian Gregory and Russian cosmonaut Yvgeny Rechenko are currently three months into the long two and half year return to Earth.
“Honestly the thought of going back to get that guy gives me a stomach ache,” said Tuttle, “The whole time we were on Mars Doug never lifted a finger to help. He just hung out in his boxers and ate the dehydrated ice cream all day. I mean here I am going out into the harsh climate of Mars, risking my life for science and all this guy can do is sit on his ass, get fat, and watch the porn he brought from Earth. It was really insulting.”
“Do you know that he masturbated every single day on the trip there? It was disgusting.”
When asked about Doug’s proclivity towards self manipulation Centauri’s response was, “Yeah we knew Doug was probably going to be pulling on his tallywhacker a lot. I mean NASA was paying for his subscriptions to most of the major porn sites. We kind of hoped he would hook up with one of the female astronauts, but after about a week in space that was kind of out the window. I mean Doug is gross, in every sense of the word, still it would have been nice to study the effects of a long term sexual relationship in space.”
“Oh my God that is disgusting!” said Co-Pilot Adrian Gregory. “I know NASA picked us for this mission partly because we were all single with no families to speak of, but to think that I would ever hook up with that piece of human filth is the definition of insanity. Honestly I would rather crash into an asteroid than do anything sexual with Doug. Do you know that he used to shave his pubes in the mess hall? We would be eating and all-of-the sudden one of his short and curlys would come floating by and get stuck to your dehydrated meatloaf. He thought it was hilarious. I want to vomit.”
The crew also reported that Doug was prone to playing pranks.
“That American asshole was always waking me up in the middle of my sleep hours screaming that there was a hull breach,” said Cosmonaut Rechenko, “I can’t tell you how many times I nearly had a heart attack thinking we were all going to be sucked to our deaths in the cold vacuum of space.”
“Doug liked to ‘forget’ to flush the toilet. We started calling the treadmill room the turd lounge, because of its proximity to the bathroom. There is nothing worse than running in zero G while a corn riddled dump goes floating by. I swear to god there were times I thought about shoving him in the air lock while he was asleep and just getting rid of him.”
According to NASA a major dust storm was the reason that the crew had to abandon the planet and the mission. Satellite photos of the landing zone, blanketed in a thick haze of red dust, does corroborate their story.
“Doug was out looking for rocks when the storm came up. The crew had only a few minutes to get into the ship and leave the surface. Unfortunately it meant leaving Doug behind. If they had waited they all would be stranded,” said Centauri.
Speaking with the astronauts via space link paints a slightly different picture.
“Look, I know what the official story is but here’s the deal, Doug left himself on Mars. It’s that simple,” said Captain Stone.
When pressed for more details Stone simply stated, “You can only push people so far before they decide its best to go their separate ways. I mean if you’re having a bad time at a party, you just leave, right? You know what I’m saying?”
Regardless of the reason for Doug’s marooning on Mars, NASA has decided they aren’t going back for him.
“It ain’t going to happen,” said Centauri.
Reports are that Doug is still alive on the planet’s surface and that he’s been calling NASA non-stop to come back and get him.
“Right now we’re just keeping the lights off in mission control and everyone is staying out of sight,” said Centauri, “we’re all just hoping that Doug thinks that nobody’s home and just goes away.”
When contacted for further comment, Senator Lumper was quiet, although rumors around Capital Hill are that the Senator is remodeling the basement, and thanks to finally having the place to themselves for the first time in over thirty three years, he and his wife are enjoying all kinds of amazing sex everywhere in the house.