Let's Stop Pretending Unicorns Aren't Dangerous

Unicorns are the size of a horse with a sword growing out of their foreheads. Though magnificent beasts they are also wild animals and wild animals are dangerous.

Unicorns are not like your dog or your cat or your pot-bellied pig. You can’t pet them. You can’t play fetch with them. You can’t name them Mr. Piggy Piggles, put a leash on them and go walking around the neighborhood just so your neighbors will tell you how cute your little piggy is. You can’t teach tricks to them and you can’t reason with them. They are in a word: dangerous.

Just to set the record straight here are a few dangerous facts about unicorns:

·         Unicorns are nearly immortal.

·         They have a kick that is ten thousand times as powerful as that of a horse.

·         Their horns are made of stardust and are poison tipped.

·         They can run upwards of 5,000 miles an hour

·         They can telepathically come to you in your dreams and fantasies.

·         They like sugar cubes and being brushed.  

Pretty scary, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It has been reported over the years that some of the older unicorns have the power to levitate and most disturbingly the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes. Did you also know that they have a set of fangs that stay retracted in the back of their mouths but can and will be bared the moment they feel threatened? Still don’t think they’re dangerous?

Unicorns have existed on this planet for millions of years. Most scientists agree that around fifty five million years ago as the ancestors of the horse were evolving, a branch of the species split off and became the unicorns. They are still here. They are still dangerous.

Through the millennia unicorns have captured the imaginations of mankind. They appear in numerous paintings and stories. We have a fascination with these deadly creatures. One of the more famous depictions of a unicorn is that of the Lady and the Unicorn, a medieval tapestry that can be found in the Musee national du Moyen Age in Paris. Popular theory suggests that the unicorn in the tapestry is one of the oldest unicorns known to exist. Thought to be a least a hundred thousand years old, her name is Angel Dust, in reference to her angelic appearance. But don’t be fooled and think that she is old and gentle. She’s not. Unicorns, like vampires, become more powerful with age. She’s dangerous.

At the dawn of the twentieth century unicorns were nearly hunted to extinction. They had been eradicated from Europe, Asia, and most parts of Africa. In North America, where large numbers still existed on the Great Plains, they were slowly being culled for their horns which were used as decorative marshmallow roasting sticks by the wealthy.

When a unicorn dies it’s one of the saddest things in the world, right up there with the death of a giant tortoise or an elf.

Unicorns nearly went extinct until a nature conservationist named Jonathan Hamburger Horn stepped in and saved the species.

Although extremely dangerous, Horn realized that unicorns needed to be protected. He testified before Congress that unicorns were no different than lions, tigers and bears. Sure they were apex predators but that didn’t mean they should be killed. He went on to successfully argue that if unicorns were allowed to go extinct it could damage our fragile eco-system beyond repair. This was some seriously forward thinking for the time, and after a two year battle in Congress the Horn Valley Unicorn Act was officially signed into law by President Theodore Roosevelt.     

The act set aside two million acres in the nation’s heartland as the world’s first unicorn preserve. Known today as the Horn Valley Unicorn Preserve it sees upwards of five million visitors a year.

Rounding up these dangerous animals for transport to the preserve was not easy. Many good men died after being kicked, stabbed, vaporized or eviscerated by these magnificent and deadly beasts. There was a famous standoff between wildlife agents and the unicorn Angel Dust. Angel Dust and her band of followers held out for nearly six months on a mountain top in North Dakota. Finally they were coaxed out by some sugar cubes and a promise of being brushed. They were netted and transported to the preserve.

One of the most incredible things you will ever witness is a herd of unicorn, bathed in the soft light of morning, feeding across a field of wheat. But never forget these things are dangerous.

Last year alone there were over twelve deaths in the Horn Valley Unicorn Preserve because people think it’s a good idea to try and pet these things. Don’t do that! Don’t try to pet them. Don’t try to feed them sugar cubes and don’t offer to brush them. They will kill you.

If you get kicked by a horse you might go to the hospital. If you get kicked by a unicorn you will go to heaven. If you get stabbed by a unicorn the best you can hope for is a three day agonizing death as the poison boils away your skin and drives you insane. If you get shot by a unicorn laser you will simply vaporize. I cannot stress how dangerous these things are.

Unicorn in Full Attack Mode

We should all enjoy these incredible animals. They are one of nature’s greatest achievements. Unicorns will still be here when mankind has gone the way of the Dodo. Unicorns are survivors and we can peacefully coexist with them. In order to do that we all need to stop pretending that unicorns aren’t dangerous. They are, and they always will be.