Do You Want to Be Cool? You Should Shave While Driving.

Hey man, its seven forty five and you’re going to be late for work. You should shave while you drive!

Yeah that’s it, buckle up, crank some classic rock, fire up that hand held electric razor with face contouring technology and let’s do this!

You’re the man. You’re fucking cool!

One hand on the wheel and one hand working that razor over your neck stubble, it doesn’t get any more awesome than this. Make sure you go slow using small circular motions. Leave no hair behind. Yeah that’s looking smooth. You’re smooth.

You just ran through a stop sign, doesn’t matter though, you’re wearing a fifty dollar suit and cranking an electric shaver all over your face. You don’t have any use for traffic signs. You’ve got the power.

See that guy in the car next to you? He’s watching you polish your chiseled handsome features into the smooth stone face of a modern day Adonis. He knows how cool you are. Look at him shaking his head. That’s because he knows he’ll never be as fucking boss as you.

Holy shit, look out for that dog! Wow, that was a close call. What the hell was that German Shepherd doing on the sidewalk in the first place?

Let’s work those cheeks for a while. There you go, check yourself in the rear-view mirror, don’t worry about what’s going on around you. Concentrate on the shave.

Oh man, you see that car full of women behind you? They’re checking you out bro! They like what they are seeing. Shave harder. Show them how a real man shaves while driving. I can assure you that’s not laughter, that’s four women simultaneously having an orgasm. You’re so cool!

Hey there’s the freeway on-ramp. Mash the pedal down and let’s kick this commute into high gear.

Whoops, you went the wrong way on the freeway! You are an animal. I’ve got an idea, roll down your window and toss your electric shaver out. Nice! It smashed into a million pieces on the ground. Totally cool! Now reach into your glove box and pull out the shaving cream. No, no, don’t use one hand, drive with your knees, you need both hands to get a full lather. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. You look like Santa Claus if Santa Claus was a total bad-ass who shaved in his car.

It looks like the cops are chasing you.

Do you have a razor in here? No. Uh oh, we may have a problem, wait is that a pocket knife? It is! Flip that bad boy open and keep shaving. Fuck yeah. You’re a caveman bro.

Oh fuck it’s a bus! Swerve! Swerve!

Maybe you should stop going the wrong way on the freeway plus you need to lose these cops. Hey get off here.

Good idea, there’s an elementary school nearby, you can lose the cops in the school zone.

Your skin is looking smooth. Keep dragging that dull rusty blade under your nose and show that mustache who’s boss. You’re bleeding a lot. If only those women could see you now, they wouldn’t be able to contain themselves. Look out it’s a bunch of kids!

You drove onto the playground. That’s a great move. Those kids are going to remember the day Mr. Cool smashed through the fence and rode rough-shod over their sandbox. I bet most of these kids are going to want to be a low level office drone just like you when they grow up. Keep shaving man, you’re almost done!

It looks like the cops spike stripped your car. No choice now but to keep going. Nobody likes a quitter and you’re no quitter. You’re a guy who shaves in his car. You’re the definition of fucking cool balls.

Hey check it out, up ahead, it’s your work. Hey there’s a news helicopter. Holy shit you’re on TV. This is the best! Lean your head out the window. Give the viewers what they want: a shot of that smooth, freshly shaved face. Yeah! You’re cool! You’re so cool! You’re the coolest! Fucking-A!

You made it to work! You got here five minutes early. You’re also under arrest. Jeez, they didn’t need to taze you. That was harsh. I guess you’re off to jail now. Man that was fun. Let me know when you get out and we can do it again. Okay, see you later. Man you’re cool.

I’m bored. Hey, wait a minute, wait. Hey you, yeah the girl in the car. You look like you might be late for work. You should definitely do your makeup while you drive.