Trying to capitalize on the throngs of people making New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight, local gym, Pump Masters, is offering a new gym membership that just takes your money.
“This membership in no way allows you access to our gym,” said local meat-head and general manager of Pump Masters, Donny Plates, “it simply deducts forty nine ninety nine from your bank account each month without offering any benefits whatsoever.”
“Every new year we get a ton of people who come in and sign up with delusional fantasies of actually working out. These people believe they are going to get in shape, lose weight and increase their overall health. In a week they quit. We felt we could capitalize on this market of quitters by offering a membership that simply deducts money from their accounts.”
The response has been overwhelmingly positive.
“As soon as I heard about this I went in and signed up,” said local accountant and mother of six, Jill Santoro, “Every year my new year’s resolution is to lose weight and every year I go through the embarrassment of getting a gym membership that I never use. Thank god for Pump Masters.”
“It’s amazing,” said stock trader Bill Hamper, “I am so excited to not be allowed access to the state of the art equipment, clean, modern locker rooms and award winning juice bar. It’s a dream come true.”
Sandra Gubler, president of the local Better Business Bureau, and a habitual resolution breaker, weighed in with the business perspective. “Financially it makes a lot of sense, I mean, if you can get people to simply just give you money in exchange for nothing then you should do that. Pump Masters has recognized an underserved market and exploited it. This is Capitalism at its best.”
Lines to sign up for this amazing deal extended out the door.
“We’ll probably be here for an hour after we close,” said Plates, “these people recognize the value in buying a membership that explicitly precludes them from benefits they would never use in the first place. After they sign the contract we can legally have them arrested if they try to use the gym.”
Mattress Salesman, and full time drunk, Gary Yerington had a very practical reason for signing up. “Look, I know I’m never going to use the gym, but just knowing that I’m giving them my money each month, gives me the satisfaction that I at least tried to fulfill the resolution I was never going to commit to in the first place.”
“It’s a win-win,” said Plates.
As news of the success of the Pump Masters’ membership spreads, similar memberships are now being offered at competing gyms, Yoga studios and the local community college.
“If we can get students to pay for tuition and never set foot on campus I would say that’s what higher education is all about,” said Walter Dromberg, Dean of Students at Round Ridge Community College, “Hats off to Pump Masters, great job.”
As for the Pump Masters membership, Plates summed it up best when he said, “We know you’re never going to follow through with anything. We know its bullshit. Happy New Year.”