Salmon To Turn Spawning Trip Into a Vacation

Local Atlantic Salmon, Jeff Finneman, plans on turning an important spawning trip back to the stream of his birth, into a vacation.

“Look, I need some time off,” said Jeff as he packed his spawning suit into his fin case, “it’s been a hard year and I could go for a little R&R.”

Jeff’s company, Atlantic Salmon, a regional conglomerate with millions of employees and a geographical reach stretching over most of the North Atlantic and freshwater streams of the Eastern United States, has recently seen a downturn in their numbers and are currently searching for new markets and opportunities in order to bolster their bottom line.

 Atlantic Salmon Jeff Finneman

Atlantic Salmon Jeff Finneman

“I get it, this trip is really important for the company, our numbers were really bad last quarter. We took a big hit in the fishing nets and changes to our natural habitat, and don’t even get me started on the fish farms. Those guys are kicking our ass and I’ve got my manager up my urogenital opening about it. Believe me when I say, I need to just get away for a while.”

Jeff’s trip is scheduled to last a few weeks as he travels a couple thousand miles through the open ocean and then eventually to the upper arm of the Eastern Alabaster River, where he was born, and where his company hopes to regain lost market share.

“He’s been working so hard and has been really stressed, “said his wife Trudy Finneman, “if anyone deserves a break it’s Jeff.”

Jeff’s doctor, Paul Dorsalfin, has noticed the effect Jeff’s long working hours have had on him. “He’s losing some of his scales. I mean it happens to most male salmon as they grow older but Jeff’s only two, he’s got the scale loss of a three-year-old, he needs to find a way to decompress.”

Jeff’s itinerary is completely packed with swimming, feeding, jumping up waterfalls and spawning activities.

“I’m not looking forward to it. I just can’t wait to get through this so I can spend a little time just floating in a slow current, slowly opening and closing my mouth, and generally just relaxing.”  

“I’m going to join him after a couple of days,” added Trudy, “I need some time off too. It’s been a hell of a year, dodging predators, swimming, and trying to figure out how the hell we’re going to eventually send a couple thousand of our fry to college. I’m just done.”

“I’ve got some cousins that live in Eastern Alabaster, rainbow trout on my Dad’s side of the family, I’m going to stay with them for a couple of days.” said Jeff, “They’ve got this really peaceful pool, just off the main river, surrounded by some big rocks and completely stocked with underwater plants and bugs. It sounds really great. I might even get a massage.”

“We really need Jeff and his fellow employees to make some hay on this trip,” said Ron Gill, Jeff’s direct supervisor, “Jeff’s going to be working some long hours but hopefully in the end it will all be worth it. If it goes well there might even be a bonus in it for him.”

On the eve of his trip, Jeff sat down with his wife for a quiet dinner of arctic squid and herring. “I’ve got a positive outlook,” said Jeff, “I’m going to do my job and then it’s going to be nothing but Mai-tai’s and minnow’s for two weeks. I can’t wait.”

As of press time Jeff was reported to have left for his trip while his wife Trudy stayed in the open ocean.


Upon reaching the head waters of the Eastern Alabaster River, it is being reported that Jeff Finneman was tragically eaten by a bear as he jumped up a small waterfall. There has been no word from his wife Trudy regarding the tragedy, as she is believed to have been snagged in a commercial fishing net and processed into a delicious flash frozen salmon steak.