The prospect of a relaxing weekend, spent at home with the kids, doing a little light yardwork and watching football was ruined Friday afternoon, when Barry Rollman, a thin, two ply, mega roll of toilet paper, was told he’d have to work both days of Burrito Fest.
Burrito Fest, held at the Humpleberry Fairgrounds, annually draws fifty thousand hungry burrito connoisseurs and some of the top burrito chefs in the world. “We’re really proud of this event,” said Gil Smooch, director of janitorial services for the fair grounds and Barry’s boss, “It’s great for families and anyone who really likes soft, warm, delicious tortillas stuffed with beans, rice, meat and fun! But don’t get me wrong, it’s all hands on deck for this one. I’ve called in extra de-clogging teams and we’ve cleaned out the local stores of air freshener. Barry was working this event whether he liked it or not.”
Barry, who has become the senior roll of toilet paper among his co-workers, was hoping for a little professional courtesy from his boss. “I’ve worked Pizza Fest, Coffee Fest, Hot Dog Fest and Horse Fest; let me tell you, I didn’t have a lot of time to stop and catch my breath, if you know what I mean. Especially Hot Dog Fest, that was a real shit show. Besides, Gil promised me I wouldn’t have to work.”
“I did no such fucking thing!” said a visibly stressed Gil. “Sorry, it's just that, in less than twenty-four hours these stalls are going to be filled with asses, loaded with full contingents of nuclear tipped chocolate cruise missiles and Barry thinks he’s getting the day off? Preposterous!”
According to Barry, Gil did in fact make the promise during a sweaty, grunting, thirty-five-minute meeting in Barry’s stall last Tuesday afternoon. “Oh that meeting? Yeah, I had one of those microwavable sausage biscuits for breakfast; that bad boy was practically crawling out on its own, if you catch my drift. I may have made overtures to Barry about not working Burrito Fest, but you know what, a man will say anything when he’s got his pants down and some sharp two-ply in close proximity to his soft serve log cutter.”
For all the arguing though, it does appear that Barry will in fact be missing out on kicking back in his favorite easy chair, sipping a beer and munching on a bag of chips.
“I heard that they’re putting the nitro burrito tent right next to my bathroom, so I guess I can look forward to getting some jalapeno in my eyes. Wonderful. Great. Grand.”
Friday night Barry’s wife, a box of winged maxi pads, informed him that she was being called in to work the International Women’s Symposium on Women and that Barry would have to take the kids to work with him. Sources close to the situation say that Barry briefly considered jumping into the toilet bowl before changing his mind and sadly rolling off to bed.
Early Saturday morning Barry was seen leaving his house early, kids in tow and heading out to the fair grounds. When asked for further comment Barry simply said, “I’m too old for this shit.”