Ask Gregson: Halloween

Gregson Gregoolly is an award-winning columnist who answers your questions about life, love and the pursuit of joyfulness. His column has appeared in every major newspaper in the country and has been translated into over fifteen thousand languages. Today Gregson tackles your spooky Halloween questions.

Dear Gregson,

My vampire husband and I have an open casket relationship. It’s not traditional but it works. Lately though, every time I try to close the casket for a little us time, my husband comes up with an excuse. What can I do to reignite the blood spark between us?

Vexed in Virginia

Open casket relationships can be very difficult. It can sometimes lead to surprise and shock. When I told my first wife about our open relationship, it came as a complete surprise to her and a complete shock to my balls, as they were repeatedly kicked. Your husband probably doesn’t want to make blood with you, because your sister is willing to let him bite more than just her neck. At least that’s how it happened with me. Just be honest. I guarantee it will ignite a spark.

Dear Gregson,

I am a category five, free floating, phantasm with no physical body to speak of. I’ve recently decided to take up scrapbooking. How am I going to do this?

Bodiless in Borrego Springs

Have you thought about possessing a physical body, or perhaps trying to scrapbook on your own ethereal plane? Whatever you decide, I would suggest drinking while doing it, because scrapbooking is dumb.

Dear Gregson,

I am pregnant with my first spawn of Satan. My baby daddy and I have been arguing about whose last name our baby is going to have. I really want my child to be a Smith. What can I do?

Expecting in Everett

I see this a lot with the illegitimate children of Satan and there’s no easy answer. I suggest a compromise. If the child carries your last name, perhaps he or she can have a more appropriate Satanic first name, like Hellgoat, Demonfire or Ron. The other way applies as well. May I suggest my book: Gregson’s Top Fifty Illegitimate Baby Names of 2016. If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to name illegitimate children.

Dear Gregson,

I’m an ancient, interdimensional deity named Gozer. I’ve got the holiday blues. Halloween used to be filled with family, friends and destruction. Now I feel all alone, lost in space and time. Even my old friend Zuul has moved on. How do I make myself feel better?

Lost in the Void

What you need is a vacation. Every time I feel down, because my family and friends won’t have anything to do with me, I jet off to a fun destination for some me time. Might I suggest New York City?

Dear Gregson,

I’m completely addicted to Bloody Mary. Every night I find myself staring into the mirror and uttering her name three times. I know this is only going to lead to my destruction, but I can’t quit her. What can I do to break this habit?

Addicted in Albany

I know what it’s like to be addicted to Bloody Mary’s. It becomes an all-consuming need, like an itch that you can never fully scratch. The only way you’ll be able to quit Bloody Mary’s, is by switching to something else like beer or wine or grain alcohol. By the way, you spell Bloody Mary’s with an S.

Dear Gregson,

I’ve got a dilemma. I’m a twenty-four-year-old, former underwear model and I have no idea what sexy costume to wear this year. Last year I went as a sexy accountant and the year before, I went as a sexy nurse. This year it seems there are too many sexy costumes to choose from. Help!

Indecisive in Iowa

This is really simple. Make sure you aren’t wearing any costumes or underwear, take a picture and send it to me. I’ll figure it out.

That’s all for the second annual Ask Gregson: Halloween Edition. Up next will be the second annual Ask Gregson: Thanksgiving Edition. Until then, have a happy and safe Halloween and remember to send that picture!