Let’s face it, nobody likes splitting a check, it’s a real pain, but what if there was an easier way? Just follow these seven easy steps and you’ll be splitting checks like firewood in no time!
1. Is someone having a birthday at the table? They don’t have to pay. Is your birthday going to occur in the next year? You don’t have to pay either.
2. Pass the check around. Make sure everyone just stares at it. After fifteen rounds you’ll each have an idea of what you may owe.
3. Did anyone order something for the table? Point them out, loudly and forcefully. This is an old trick to get others to pay for the disgusting, creamed spinach pudding, that only one person thinks, is good.
4. Don’t let math get in the way of splitting the check. This is about feelings, not cold hard numbers.
5. Ask your server to split the check for you. They won’t.
6. Your meal cost around twenty bucks, pounds or euros, throw in fifteen, announce that you only ate one bite of that disgusting spinach pudding, so you're taking back five.
7. When it becomes abundantly clear that this check is not getting split, stand up, say, “I've got the shits and I think we all know why,” pause for dramatic effect and say, "spinach pudding." Head for the bathroom and hope that your date pays for the whole thing while you’re gone.