Ask Gregson: 2nd Annual Thanksgiving Edition

Gregson Gregoolly is an award-winning columnist who answers your questions about life, love and the pursuit of joyfulness. His column has appeared in every major newspaper in the country and has been translated into over fifteen thousand languages. Today Gregson tackles your thankful Thanksgiving questions.

Dear Gregson,

Last year for Thanksgiving dinner, instead of turkey, I served undercooked pigeon and everyone got really sick. This year I am once again hosting. What can I do to avoid a repeat of last year?

Cooking in Columbus

Cook the pigeon longer.

Dear Gregson,

I have heard that your recipe for pumpkin pie is just to die for. Would you mind sharing it?

Pie-Eyed in Pittsburgh

Hey, Halloween called, it wants its pie back. The only pie I make on Thanksgiving, is Thanksgiving Pie. You stuff a bunch of giblets in a big pile of sugar, cover it in mashed potatoes and scotch and bake it for nine hours. Enjoy.

Dear Gregson,

I am going to dinner with a bunch of my co-workers and I just know that inevitably, the conversation is going to turn to office politics. I don’t want such a wonderful dinner to turn into a shouting match. How do I get everyone to talk about something else?

Nonpolitical in New England

This is always a really touchy subject, especially after everyone has had a few. Instead of letting the conversation about the new CEO spiral out of control, calmly and politely, remind everyone that this is Thanksgiving and that they should talk about something less divisive, like regular politics or religion.

Dear Gregson,

I’m desperately trying to find a date to my school’s Thanksgiving Day Dance, but every girl I’ve asked has said no. Is there something wrong with me?

Hopeless in Hampton

Yes, you’re stupid. If your school is having a dance on Thanksgiving Day, the only thing you’ll be doing is dancing to silence in an empty gym. You’d have a better chance getting a date to your financial institution’s Thanksgiving Day Ball or possibly the Post Office Thanksgiving Day Gala.

Dear Gregson,

This year my in-laws are coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I really want to make them feel at home. Any tips?

Worried in Wisconsin

If you really want them to feel at home, ask them to stay there.

Dear Gregson,

Why do they call it Thanksgiving?

Questioning in Quebec

Long ago somebody thanked someone for giving them something and then they decided to make a dinner out of it.

Dear Gregson,

I’m a turkey who’s in love with a spiral cut ham. All of my friends and family don’t understand it. They say it’s unnatural and that it’s not right. His family is the same way. We can’t even walk down the street together without people giving us weird looks. It’s like the world doesn’t think we should be together just because we’re different. What can we do?

Sad in Sandersonville

That sounds like one of the most delicious sandwiches I ever made and it also reminds me of something I just made up. It goes: At Thanksgiving dinner, let’s sit hand in hand and love one another, like turkey and ham.

That’s it for Ask Gregson: 2nd Annual Thanksgiving Edition. Gregson wishes you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving. Next up will be Gregson’s 2nd Annual Christmas Edition. Until then enjoy the pigeon and save room for the Thanksgiving Pie!