After three weeks of forensic testing, field observations and witness interviews; investigators are finally ready to share their conclusions as to what caused the massive accident that occurred in the underwear of City Councilman, Hal Putts.
“Look, we really went deep into this investigation,” said lead investigator Harry Scrotes, “We spent a lot of time at the site of the accident, really taking careful measurements and recording everything we found on high definition video. There wasn’t a single thread of Hal’s underwear that we didn’t take a good, hard look at.”
Indeed, investigators spent a long time pouring over, not only Hal’s completely destroyed, tight, white cotton underwear, but the sheets and carpet surrounding his bed. “That’s where the accident happened, in his bedroom,” said Scrotes, “our initial theory was that the accident occurred while he slept, but after careful analysis of the carpet fibers, our new theory is Hal awoke right in the middle of a massive blowout, one that sent him careening across his sheets and into his oncoming wife, who at the time was returning to bed after grabbing a quick drink of water. He avoids her, but in the process, ends up down on the carpet, finally coming to a stop next to the dresser.”
While piecing together a working theory of how the accident unfolded, the investigative team turned to forensic scatologist, Doctor Vicki Steampile, to try and determine what caused the accident in the first place.
“Let me tell you sweetie, I have seen some skid marks in my time, but this one was a doozy. It covered the entire road if you know what I mean. To complicate things, when I started looking closer, it appeared that there were also many, many previous skid marks underneath the newest one. Seriously sweetie-cakes, this wasn’t the first accident this section of underwear has seen, no ma’am. I was able to scrape a very large and thick sample for analysis.”
The analysis showed evidence of beans, microwaveable pizza, TV dinner Salisbury steak, gas station sushi and trace elements of deep fried Twinkies. “Believe me sugar, this was an accident waiting to happen.” Surprisingly, alcohol was not found to be involved.
The final conclusion from Steampile was that the intake of a large variety of butt busting, biohazardous food in a short period of time caused Putts' lower colon to experience a catastrophic failure, which led Hal to lose control of his rectum, sending it skidding all over his underwear, sheets, carpet and a little bit on his wife.
“I should be used to seeing this sort of thing by now, but I’m not,” said Scrotes, “and we may never truly know what caused this. I’m just glad nobody got hurt.”
The lone witness to the accident, his wife Donna, offered a simpler explanation for what happened. “Hal fell asleep and shit his pants. He’s sleeping on the couch for the next week.”