Ask Gregson: Valentine's Day Edition

Gregson Gregoolly is an award winning columnist who answers your questions about life, love and the pursuit of joyfulness. His column has appeared in every major newspaper in the country and has been translated into over fifteen thousand languages. Today Gregson tackles those heartfelt Valentine’s Day questions.

Dear Gregson,

This is my first Valentine’s Day with my new girlfriend. I really want to make it special. I plan on getting her roses, a box of chocolates and taking her to dinner and a movie. Any other suggestions to make this the perfect night?

Excited in Edmonton

Excited, it sounds like you got it all figured out. Perhaps you can also ask her to marry you, move to the suburbs, have two point five kids, get a golden retriever, buy a mini-van and die of boredom. C’mon, this is Valentine’s Day. If you really want to make it special do something unexpected. Instead of roses and chocolate why not a card filled with hair from your bathtub? Instead of dinner and a movie, how about a wild romp down the wrong way of the freeway, at night, with the headlights off? Make it exciting and I guarantee it will be perfect.

Dear Gregson,

I work in the restaurant industry, so I always have to work on Valentine’s Day. Every year I find myself wishing I was at the table with a date instead of taking orders and refilling wine glasses. What should I do?

Working in Washington

Every year I get this question from countless people just like you, and every year I offer the same, practical advice. Linger. When you take their order, linger by their table until they give you an uncomfortable look. Linger when you pour their wine and when you drop off their check. If you linger long enough it will seem as if you are part of the date.

Dear Gregson,

I am so embarrassed. This year I wanted to give Bobby Farley a One Direction valentine because they are totally my favorite band, and I love them, almost as much as I love Bobby Farley but Jessica Daniels gave Bobby a Five Seconds of Summer valentine on the playground right before I was going to give him mine! Help! Jessica is taking my crush. What can I do to win him back?

Crushed in Chicago

Crushed, here’s how you make sure Jessica Daniels never messes with your Bobby again. You find her in the cafeteria during lunch, walk right up to her and tell her that not only has One Direction sold over twenty million albums worldwide, they have topped the charts in sixteen countries and are the only band in history to have their first three albums debut atop the Billboard 200. Tell her that Five Seconds of Summer aren’t fit to clean One Direction’s stage. Then give Bobby your valentine and call Jessica a bitch. Problem solved.

 Dear Gregson,

Any advice to help heal a broken heart?

Broken in Biloxi

Here’s what you do. Make your way to West Humpleberry, that’s the warehouse district, and look for an auto body shop called, Fender Benders. Go inside and ask for Doctor Ron. They’ll take you in the back where Ron, who also used to be a surgeon, can fix you up with a brand new heart for a mere fifty thousand dollars. He only takes cash, but he is running a special right now where he’ll throw in a free kidney with the purchase of a new heart.  

Dear Gregson,

My co-worker keeps calling Valentine’s Day, Valentimes Day. It’s driving me crazy. How can I make him stop?

Frustrated in Freeport

I’m sorry to say this but your co-worker has it right. Long before Valentine’s Day became a soulless, corporate money grab, there was Valentimes Day. Tracing its roots all the way back to the time of the Romans, Valentimes is actually a combination of two words, Valen, meaning good and Times. It was specifically used to reference the “good times” that people were having at orgies. Over the years it simply morphed into the now horribly incorrect Valentine’s Day. Anytime you hear someone say Valentimes Day you know two things: one, they know their history, and two, they are down for a huge, Roman style orgy.

Dear Gregson,

One of those cupid things flew into my window last night. I put it in a plastic bag and tossed it in my trash, but what should I do with this quiver of arrows?

Wondering in Winnemucca

You possess the quiver of Eros. You control love. You are a god.

Dear Gregson

My girlfriend expects me to pull out all the stops for Valentine’s Day. When I ask her what she wants she just gives me cryptic answers. She wants me to really come up with something big. I’m really feeling the pressure. Valentine’s Day just feels like a total setup for me to fail. Am I missing something here?

Pressured in Pennsylvania

Pressured, don’t worry, you’re not missing anything, it’s a total setup.

Dear Gregson,

What is love?

Confused in California

Wow, great question, hard to answer, I’ll do my best.

Love is a spark, a feeling, a moment. It’s a seed, smaller than an atom but bigger than the universe. It grows, it lives, it becomes. One day the world is black and white, a drudgery, a lost feeling, until it suddenly explodes with color, with joy, with happiness. Love is the summer wind, the heat from a crackling fire, the song of birds, the whispers of waves lapping on the sand. Love is starlight, it’s moonlight, it’s a light that can’t be seen but felt. Love is the acceptance of your true self in the eyes of another. Love is stronger than steel and more fragile than glass. Love is hard, love is trying, love is worth it. That is love.

Also love might simply be the combination of a fast food hamburger and a hand job. It’s really subjective.

Dear Gregson,

I’m single again on Valentine’s Day. I don’t really feel like celebrating. A boy asked me out but I just don’t want to go. Am I being weird?

Apathetic in Albany

You are not being weird. When the day comes, and the dark empire of Hallmark finally makes its move to take over the world, all those who partook of its Valentine’s Day, shall be subjugated to do the bidding of the new dark overlords. Because you never drank the Kool Aid, you will be able to escape to the White Mountains where you will join the Army of the Singles and fight against Hallmark and their army of the Red Hearts. Nothing will be the same. Until then just enjoy not having to get all dressed up, and go to dinner at Sizzler, with some guy that you aren’t in to.

That’s it for Ask Gregson Valentine’s Day Edition. Next up Gregson will drunkenly stumble through your St. Patrick’s Day questions. Until then, Gregson wishes you and your special someone the very best. Happy Valentimes Day (if you know what I mean)!