In a stunning development, one that will undoubtedly send shockwaves through the established scientific community, astronomers have announced the discovery of a super massive black bean burrito, located at the center of the Milky Way.
The burrito, or simply the SMBBB, is thought to be at least 4 to 4.5 billion times more massive then our own sun. It’s thousands of light years across and thought to have been cooking in cosmic radiation for billions of years.
The initial discovery was made by Wayne Grump, an astrophysicist with the Intergalactic Planetarium of Dwaynesburg, located in upper Kansas. He noted some serious anomalies with the data that was coming from telescopes pointed towards the galaxy’s center. After crunching the numbers, he realized that he was looking at a burrito the size of a hundred billion stars.
Once the cat was out of the bag other telescopes were pointed to the same region of space and the discovery was verified.
One of the leading researchers of the burrito is Dan Freeport with the Lunar Utopia Planetarium in upstate Florida. “I always thought there was a super massive black hole at the center of our galaxy, but after seeing Wayne’s initial paper that he published in the Journal of Scyance, I knew I had to look deeper. What I found was astonishing.”
According to Freeport the burrito is cooking in what can be considered a gigantic cosmic microwave oven located in the center of our galaxy. “We know she’s been cooking for some time now because we can see jets of cheese shooting from either end out into the cosmos. These jets are thousands of times brighter than the sun and through analysis of their light we know that it’s probably American or Colby Jack. We also believe this thing is wrapped in a flour tortilla, at least that’s our best guess, truth is, this thing is so massive that once a soft, warm tortilla is caught in its grasp it can’t escape.”
Earlier this week the Jimmy Dean space telescope, in geosynchronous orbit above the Earth, turned its vast array of sensors towards the burrito and for the first time scientists were able to smell it. “That was the watershed moment. That shut all the skeptics up,” said Lane Skippy, astronomer with the Fantastic Asteroid Planetarium in Duck Valley, Washington. “For years the scientific community knew that the universe had a smell, a kind of background odor that was described as a faint mix of pizza, tacos, breakfast sausage and coffee, but we could never prove it, because it was so elusive. It seems we just weren’t looking in the right place. Once the Jimmy Dean started taking measurements it was pretty obvious what we were dealing with. Honestly I thought it smelled like it was starting to burn a little.”
Since the discovery of the burrito other space foods have been found. There is thought to be a super massive pizza in the heart of the Andromeda Galaxy as well as billions of taquito clouds and breakfast sausage nebulae.
And what about the skeptics? Make no mistake, the astronomers who believe in the SMBBB are still on the fringe, considered to be too radical or just uninformed by many in the mainstream scientific community. But the tide is turning. It is being reported that the prestigious Ur Anus Planetarium in western North America will confirm existence of the burrito sometime around lunch on Monday.
“The most important thing to remember here is this is science,” said Grump during a press conference held in the foyer of a fast food restaurant, “when people make scientific claims without any evidence to support them, that’s dangerous. It’s even worse when individuals simply make stuff up either for their own amusement or to try and sully the legitimate work of others. We are going to do this burrito by the book, with hard numbers, indisputable observations, and with a hunger for knowledge and a thirst for discovery. Thank you.”
UPDATE: The super massive black bean burrito is now thought to actually be two Hot Pockets, side by side, slowly rotating in the center of the cosmic microwave.