Review: Ground Sloth Boxed Wine

Below is a review I wrote of Ground Sloth boxed wine. The review was featured in this month’s issue of Boxed Wine Aficionado Tri-Quarterly, which is available at most newsstands. Pick up a copy if you get a chance.

Review of Ground Sloth Boxed Wine

By Nick Alverson

Red Wine

USA

Ground Sloth is a relatively new vintage, slowly meandering onto the scene in the last six months. The wine is contained in a giant purple box, about the size of a case of beer, with scenes depicting ground sloth in their natural habitat, doing natural sloth things. There are seven different designs in all, done purposely by the vintners, in order to establish collector’s editions of its packaging. My box depicted a sloth defecating into a shallow hole in the ground.

Ground Sloth is unique in that it has no spout from which to pour the wine. Instead it utilizes a cork, located inside of a screw top. It’s almost as if Ground Sloth is both, paying homage and mocking the traditional wine industry, for its celebration of corks and disdain of screw tops. The pour hole is on top of the box making it nearly impossible to pour it into your favorite wine glass without also spilling it all over your countertop. I learned quickly that with Ground Sloth’s heavy pour, it’s a wine best served not in a glass but in a bucket.

As I pulled the cork from the screw top my senses were immediately overtaken by the pungent odor of decaying plants and tepid mud water. It smelled like a petting zoo located in a swamp. It was the smell of the ground sloth in its natural habitat. What a surprise.

After my eyes stopped watering I poured about forty ounces into my bucket and lifted it to my lips. The flavor was robust, almost overpowering. It had strong notes of grape and raspberry with subtle hints of bleach and chlorine. My taste buds burned and writhed under its spell. It had an unmistakable metallic finish, and an intense burning sensation as it traveled down my throat and into my stomach. Needless to say I drank the entire bucket.

Although the recipe is proprietary, I can tell you that the grapes are locally sourced at supermarkets and gas stations.

Ground Sloth pares well with anything microwavable and is especially complimentary with fast food fish. Burritos, potato chips and undercooked hot dogs also go well.

Overall Ground Sloth boxed wine is a bold addition to the already crowded lineup of boxed wines. It’s flavor and packaging make it stand out. It’s a wine for any occasion, whether you’re meeting with a secret lover, in the back seat of an 89’ Buick behind an abandon car wash, or, spending a quiet night, alone, in a dirty weekly motel room, watching standard definition porn and clipping your toe nails on the bed, Ground Sloth will be a welcome addition.

Ground Sloth can be purchased at most flea markets and illegal cock fighting venues.

2 Points.