Dramatic Movie about Massage Parlor Doesn't Have Happy Ending

In what is being derided as a huge disappointment, a dramatic movie about a corporate run massage place, has left both critics and fans completely frustrated in its lack of a happy ending. With a run time of over one hundred and ninety minutes, Hummingbird’s Oasis, fails to deliver the one thing that everyone in the theater came to get.

“I was completely shocked that there wasn’t a happy ending,” said Bill Tomlinson, a local dentist and married father of five. “If I had known that this movie would just be one long, sad affair, I never would have ponied up my money to see it. I mean the mother and the daughter both die in the end. It just left me feeling pent up and frustrated.”   

Critics agree, with many describing the movie as discouraging, exasperating, and completely unsatisfying. “I had some really high hopes for this film,” said critic and massage parlor movie enthusiast Simon Sheffield. “On the surface this film had all the classic hallmarks of a happy ending; it’s being shown in a theater in a seedy part of town, the marketing was all word of mouth, and the movie poster was just a picture of a dirty set of closed blinds, with a pink neon sign that said Hummingbird’s Oasis. If that doesn’t scream, massage parlor movie with a happy ending, I don’t know what does.”

The first screenings were packed with a completely male audience. The age demographic ranged from college aged to senior citizens. Many were there to see a massage parlor movie with a happy ending for the very first time. As word got out that the movie ended in a dramatic hospital room scene instead of an uplifting and gratifying release of happiness, ticket sales dropped sharply, as the anticipation of what was to come, was replaced with the knowledge that it just wasn’t going to happen.

“I feel duped,” said Tomlinson, “I heard that if you went to the snack counter and asked for the Buttered Hot Dog that you would get to see an extra happy ending scene after the credits rolled, instead the snack guy just looked at me funny and handed me a hot dog slathered in butter. What the fuck?”

Not surprisingly the movie’s complete lack of a female audience has kept its numbers down and could spell doom for the film in only its first few days of release.

“I would never go see a movie about a massage parlor with a happy ending,” said Jill Tomlinson, City Councilwoman and Bill’s wife, “that’s gross. The only type of massage movies I’ll go to are the clean, well lit, dramatically acted kind that involve some sort of tragic, yet emotionally fulfilling end.” When asked if her husband would ever see a movie like that she just laughed. “Bill, see a massage movie? I’m sorry but I have to laugh at that. I took him to a massage movie one time, I think it was called The Healing Hands or something like that, and he was totally uncomfortable. He kept asking if he could just leave and when he found out that the lead in the movie was male he really started squirming. Bill likes movies, just not those kind, in fact he’s at a movie right now about a poker game with his friends. He’s seen it like twenty times already. He’s also really fond of the movie about getting milk on the other side of town.”

“Yeah my wife thinks I’m seeing the poker movie. Good thing she never checks the movie times. That film hasn’t been playing for over a month,” said Tomlinson. When asked if he would ever go to another massage movie again Tomlinson was unsure. “You know, I don’t know, this was such a letdown that I’m not sure if I’ll try to see another one. I do have a couple of extra hours to burn before my wife thinks the poker movie is over, so I might head over to a different theater and try to catch that movie about my girlfriend.”

After only one week the film was pulled from the theater’s offerings, signaling the failure of a movie that just didn’t give the audience the ending it so desperately needed. It was replaced by a comedy about a dirty bathroom stall called Glory Whole. The line for tickets stretched around the block. Tomlinson was reported to have been at the head of the line.