Ten-year-old, Brie Wilson, fourth grader at Gillingham Elementary and part time archeologist, has discovered evidence of a lost civilization, underneath the cushions of the couch, located in the back room of her family home.
The couch, which is said to have been sitting against the wood paneled wall in the rumpus room, amid old boxes sealed in duct tape, forgotten blankets and unused pillows for years, has revealed a treasure trove of archeological evidence, that at some time in the not so distant past, a thriving civilization once sat there.
Brie came upon the discovery last week while enjoying a game of hide-n-go-seek with her friends Becky Taterman and Jennifer Fanderbaster. Noticing the couch as a potential hiding spot, Brie removed the boxes marked, College Stuff, and Bong’s & Things, and pulled herself under the musty, spider infested blanket coving the left cushion. After successfully hiding for over three minutes she was discovered by Taterman. As Brie was removing herself from her hiding spot the discovery was made.
“It was just the corner of the cushion that came up a little, but when it did I noticed something underneath it,” said Brie during her press conference about the discovery, held that night during family dinner. “When I took a closer look I realized it was a quarter, from nineteen eighty-seven! That’s like fifty years old. I wasn’t even born yet.” The discovery of the quarter led Brie to make the decision to completely flip the cushion over.
Taterman and Fanderbaster were reported to have lost all interest in playing at Brie’s house once the cushion was flipped, leaving Brie to meticulously catalogue the ancient wonders by herself.
“I found a moldy Dorito’s chip, over two dollars in change, lots of hair, a rubber band, an advertisement for something called an answering machine, and three dead bugs. But it wasn’t until I saw all of the stains on the underside of the cushion that it really hit me. An entire civilization must have once used this couch!”
The stunning announcement, that at one point in time, some ancient culture, had in fact sat on, and spilled stuff on the cushion was met with nostalgic excitement by Brie’s father, Daniel Wilson and reserved contempt, by her mother, Hailey Wilson. In between bites of meatloaf and chugs of milk, Brie laid out her theory on everything from the poor diet, low socio-economic status and primitive technology of the lost civilization, to a controversial conclusion about the many different lengths, colors and curls of the hair that she found.
“Those hairs are long, just like mine,” Brie said as she gleefully mixed a chunk of tasty loaf with a wad of impeccably whipped mashed potatoes, “I think there must have been a lot of girls that sat on that cushion.”
The theory was immediately dismissed as archeological sensationalism by her father, while her mother suggested that Brie’s theories were more right than she realized. Hailey then suggested that it might be time to get rid of the couch, a suggestion that Brie vehemently objected too. “There’s so much more of that couch to investigate. There’s two more cushions!”
As Brie’s mother and father silently cleaned up after dinner, Brie retired to her bedroom to finish sifting through the pile of dirt and dead skin cells she excavated from under the cushion.
The next morning Brie found a sinister note, stuffed inside her lunchbox, that said: Stay away from the couch. “Somebody doesn’t want me near that couch,” Brie said as she took a bite from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich, hand crafted by her Mom that morning. “There’s something there they don’t want me to find.”
“That couch is super gross,” Taterman chimed in.
At this time, Brie is still deciding whether or not to press on with her archeological dig or just go over to Fanderbaster’s house and talk about boys.
As for the note, speculation is that the paper was slipped into Brie’s lunch by none other than her mother, Hailey. She was also overheard, around bedtime, saying to her husband, if she keeps digging she’s going to discover that she’s a direct descendant of that lost civilization. I mean it’s all over that right couch cushion.
Sources have recently reported seeing a junk hauler in the neighborhood, removing a long, blanket covered object from the Wilson home.