Planet Wears Longitudinal Top with Latitudinal Bottom

In what is being called ‘an egregious assault on cosmic fashion’, planet AB5738-FJ5, an Earth sized planet, with a rocky core and liquid water, or simply Cheryl, as she’s known in the Rhino Tail Nebula, arrived at the Gala for Orphaned Planets fundraiser wearing a hideous ensemble of longitude and latitude stripes.

Cheryl’s top, composed of perfectly spaced longitudinal lines, set against a peach chiffon material sent chills of revulsion, through the hot, liquid cores of almost every planet in attendance. Her pants, crossed by lines of latitude, reaching all the way to the flared bottoms of each leg, sent her critics scrambling for an explanation.

“OMG,” said Zartanalynn 5, a massive gas planet, wearing a gorgeous red atmosphere, accentuating the natural curves of her equator, “She looks like a clown.”

“This is just like Cheryl,” said Jennifer, a small, dwarf planet, decked out in a beautiful, lacy number of ice crystals and frozen carbon. “Who let her out of her galaxy looking like that? Someone should be fired for this.”

As Cheryl walked the red carpet, all telescopes were on her. She smiled as cameras flashed and paparazzi clamored for the best spot to photograph the abortion of good taste that stood before them. Cheryl seemed unfazed by the dirty looks and awkward hellos given by her fellow planets, in fact she seemed to be relishing the attention.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Cheryl, “this outfit is a Quasar, I mean, how dare anyone question his design.”

Quasar, the intergalacticly known designer of planet fashion, did in fact design the horrific outfit, but distanced himself from the design once the reactions started pouring in. “Yeah it’s a Quasar but it was mostly designed by my assistant, a comet, who has since been fired.”

Gabulous A-54, a large volcanic planet, wearing a sleek, black tuxedo had a differing opinion of Cheryl’s outfit. “It think it’s awesome. She’s taking a chance. I think she’s beautiful. Hell, I wouldn’t mind showing her my Prime Meridian, if you know what I mean.”

As if her outfit wasn’t bad enough, when everyone got a look at her seven-hundred-mile, stiletto heels, covered in disjointed, headache inducing, topographical lines, the cold blooded murder of fashion was on display for all to see. Many turned their orbits, unable to stomach the sight of a planet so cruelly torturing style.

“I don’t know if we’re even going to let her into this thing,” said Starman, the Blue Giant Star who heads the Orphaned Planets charity and organizer of the event. “It’s an embarrassment. She looks like she dressed herself at the Geologic Survey gift shop. This is a black atmosphere event where we try to match lost planets with a new host star, not some spectacle where the main event is an execution of good taste."

After much deliberation, Cheryl was allowed into the event, and despite several of the orphaned planets being sucked into a black hole, the event went off without a hitch. Consensus among critics was that Cheryl’s outfit was one of the worst failures of cosmic fashion they had ever seen, however, most still agree that it pales in comparison, to the time that Earth showed up wearing a swan.