Dr. Glove is a world renowned expert in Love. He has a PhD in Human Sexual Contact, is considered to be one of the top ten pick-up artists in the world, and has authored five books on this most fascinating of human emotions, including the bestselling smash, Rubber Glove Love, Humper-King: Debunking the Myth of Fast Food Restroom Romance, Love Me First, Second and Third, and The Gorglax Conundrum, a sci-fi story set in a distant galaxy that has absolutely nothing to do with love. He has also co-authored several scientific papers and enjoys long walks on the beach, speaks four languages and frequently can be spotted at all-you-can-eat shrimp buffets. Today he gives you the secrets to having the Ultimate Summer Fling!
Step 1: Get Your Body in Shape!
In order to have a successful summer fling, a rocking beach body is necessary. Hit the gym, stop eating and spend as much time in a tanning bed or direct sunlight as possible.
Step 2: Get Your Timing Right!
It’s called a summer fling for a reason, be sure to only engage in your summer fling between the dates of June 20th and September 22nd. Having a fling outside of these dates can have dire consequences. More on that later.
Step 3: Water is Nature’s Aphrodisiac!
All successful summer flings take place near water. Get yourself to a beach, lake or bathtub and start putting out the vibe. If you find yourself completely landlocked, with no hope of getting near a body of water, you may be in trouble, use your rescue flare or your satellite phone to call for help.
Step 4: Be on the Rebound!
Nobody wants to hook up with an emotionally stable person. Make sure you are at the very least heartbroken, sad and pathetic. Summer flings work best when you have someone else on your mind, giving you permission to let go and do all the dangerous things with your new fling, that your old fling wouldn’t let you do, like whale watching, eating with a fork and armored car heists.
Step 5: Have a Rival!
No summer fling is complete without a rival competing for the affection of your chosen one. This adds excitement and a healthy sense of competition to the mix. Make sure to brush up on your fighting and beach volleyball skills, as it is guaranteed, that you will need at least one of those skills, to best your rival, in an end-of-the-summer showdown.
Step 6: Love Isn’t the Only Thing to Fling!
A summer fling isn’t just about love, it’s also about flinging other things, like boogers, feces and Frisbees.
Step 7: End it with a Total Lie!
Let’s face it, when it comes to relationships, there is no better way to end things then with a complete, bald faced lie. Tell your fling that you totally plan on staying in touch, and that this isn’t the end. You absolutely plan on returning to the Malibu Sands Beach Resort next year to resume your duties as lounge chair wrangler and their summer lover. Make sure to cross your fingers and softly whisper, “I’ll never see you again. Enjoy the herpes.”
Step 8: Be Forewarned!
Remember to limit your summer fling to the dates between June 20th and September 22nd. These aren’t just some arbitrary dates on the calendar, they are the dates foretold in the prophecy of Drangchuk the Destroyer of Worlds. According to the prophecy all those who baptize themselves in the waters of a summer fling are actually pledging their interest in joining Drangchuk’s army of the unholy. As payment for pledging your eternal life to his will, Drangchuk allows you to have one final fling. If you continue your fling past the date of September 22nd, Drangchuk considers this your acceptance of his terms and will come to collect your mortal soul for a lifetime of fiery servitude and pain.
If you follow these 8 steps you are guaranteed to have the greatest summer fling of your life. Good luck, have fun, and remember, don’t love past September 22nd or that summer fling pregnancy will be the least of your concerns.