Gwendy's Delicious Summer Root Salad

Gwendy Trippelhorn is a world renowned chef and best-selling author of Is This Food?, Surprise! It Tastes Like Frog and Did I Cook That? Today she shares with you her world famous recipe for delicious summer root salad.

Gwendy’s Delicious Summer Root Salad

250 Pounds of Assorted Tree Root                    1 Trowel

1 Swimming Pool or 12 Bathtubs                         ¾ Cup Sugar

1 Can of Gasoline                                                  ½ Cup Cinnamon

1 Match                                                                   ½ Teaspoon Dirt

1 Beaver or Woodpecker                                    18 Pounds of Butter

1 Backhoe                                                              1 Shovel

Dried Crickets                                                       1 Bag of Rainbow Sprinkles

Prep Time 3 Weeks

1.      Tree roots are best harvested early in the morning when they are at their most flavorful. Search your neighborhood and backyard for suitable Elms, Maples, Pine, Oak or any kind of fruit tree over twenty feet tall, with at least a four-foot base, these will have the largest and tastiest roots. Begin excavation using your backhoe, being careful not to damage the roots. You may have to cut down the tree or even jackhammer the sidewalk to reach the roots.

2.      Once you have harvested at least 250 pounds of roots, lay them in a pile in your backyard, street or garage, douse them in gasoline and light them on fire. This will bring the roots’ natural flavor crystals to the surface. Let burn for five minutes or until the fire department shows up. Douse with water or for a more traditional flavor, extinguish with urine.

3.      Soak the charred wood in a swimming pool or bathtub for at least two weeks. This will soften the wood, making it easier to chew.

4.      Remove from water and cut the roots into manageable six to eight foot lengths.

5.      Mix roots, sugar, cinnamon, dirt and butter in a large mixing bowl and stir for five days. Be careful not to stir too fast or too slow. Make sure to stir just right.

6.      Using the backhoe from step one, dig a root trench in your backyard. Layer in the root mixture, using the trowel and shovel to add a light dusting of Rainbow Sprinkles to each layer.

7.      Let sit for 2 days.

8.      Add dried crickets to taste.

9.      Feed the salad to the beaver or woodpecker, having them chew, soften and regurgitate it onto a large serving platter.

10.  Invite your friends and family over for a delicious summer root salad party!