City Budget Entirely Earmarked for Hookers

On Friday, the West Crappleberry City Council announced, that the city’s 2016-2017 fiscal budget, was entirely earmarked for hookers. Rumors had been swirling for months about a move to completely subjugate the entirety of the city’s revenues for the procurement of sexual intercourse with women of the night, and on Friday those rumors became reality.

“This was not a decision that we came to easily,” said Mayor Paul Loops, “We agonized over this. I’ll tell you, at the end of the day, this decision is going to impact everyone, and it’s going to be tough, but we’re in a fiscal crisis here and we needed to make a hard decision.”

Indeed, people will be impacted, as the Council’s decision means that roads will not be maintained, police and fire protection will drastically be scaled back and all school music programs will be eliminated. Councilman Hal Skipple offered comment on how these cuts will affect his constituents. “Look, we all have bikes, besides who wants to drive on a road filled with potholes, it just doesn’t make any sense. I think this will really help our air quality and as far as police and fire go, I think the thirty to forty-minute response times will encourage all of us to be more careful, get into shape and really take care of our bodies. In fact, I can think of one body I need to go take care of right now, her name is Destiny and she’s a hooker.” When pressed for comment regarding elimination of the music programs, Skipple simply made a face and said, “Kids suck at music.”

The public reaction to the Council’s decision has been varied, with many people throwing their support behind the decision, acknowledging the fact that illegally appropriating city money for things like hookers, drugs, lavish vacations and personal retirement accounts, has been the backbone of small town government for decades, still, for many, the decision did not sit well.

“Who the fuck am I going to sell to now?” said Shady Rick, a part time convenience store clerk and the main supplier of methamphetamine and cocaine to city government for the last five years, “What am I supposed to do now? I’ve got a lot of product to move and if these guys aren’t going to buy it I’m screwed.”

The decision is being felt as far away as the Caribbean.

“I got a call this morning from Mayor Loops. He canceled the entire vacation package he had booked for himself and the city council,” said Frederic Toussaint, owner of the Tropical Sands Resort and Hunting Lodge, located on a small private island in the Caribbean. “They used to come down here every year, using money they skimmed from the city’s parks and rec department, to spend a week partying with their ‘girlfriends’ and hunting humans, uh, I mean, hunting pheasant. This cancellation is going to cost me thousands of dollars, not to mention now I have to keep feeding my ‘pheasants’ until I can find another client. Shit! What a bunch of assholes.”

“Toussaint said that?” said a surprised Mayor, “I’ll make it up to him. I’ll send him a hooker.”

Though the budget isn’t set to go into action until next month, it’s already having an effect. “We’ve had a lot of phone calls from pimps and madams, as well as several people inquiring about business licenses for weekly motels,” said Councilman Steve Briarbush, “This decision is going to create jobs. I should know, I took almost two semesters of business classes Online.”

When confronted with the idea, that perhaps this was not a good idea, and that decisions like this are why people are fed up with elected officials and government in general, the Mayor responded with, “Look, if the previous administration hadn’t screwed things up so bad we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place, besides, this hurts me too, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to give myself a raise and my personal retirement account is really going to suffer. I’ll probably have to raise taxes.”

Unfortunately for residents of West Crappleberry, there’s not much that can be done until next year’s budget meetings.

“I guess we’ll just have to make due,” said Mary Johnson, an insurance broker and mother of two, “I’ll start riding my bike to work and my boys will just have to find something else to do, other than playing their trombones, besides they sucked at it anyway. It was like listening to two elephants farting for two hours every night.”

Offering one final comment on the matter, the Mayor said, “Times are tough, but as long as we stick together, help each other and understand, that there is absolutely nothing the common man can do about this, we’re all going to be just fine. God bless West Crappleberry.”