Ask Gregson: 4th of July Edition
Gregson Gregoolly is an award winning columnist who answers your questions about life, love and the pursuit of joyfulness. His column has appeared in every major newspaper in the country and has been translated into over fifteen thousand languages. Today Gregson tackles those patriotic 4th of July questions.
A quick note from Gregson:
As you know, I’ve been away for a while, working on getting my life back in order. I’m happy to say that I feel better than ever! I’m a new man and I couldn’t have done it without the incredible support I've received from my fans. I truly appreciate all of the letters and emails I received while I was away. It really gave me pause and made me realize that most of you don’t understand how to spell or use grammar. That’s okay, it warmed my heart, especially the message I received from someone calling themselves Obsessed in Ontario, the envelope filled with your hair and toe-nail clippings really got me through some tough moments. So without further ado, I’m ready to get back on the horse and continue to answer all of your amazing questions. Shall we get to it?
This year I’m throwing my very first 4th of July barbeque, what should I serve, hamburgers or hotdogs?
Unsure in Utica
I get this question every year, it’s not uncommon. Here is the simple answer. Send out a poll to everyone you intend on inviting to the barbeque and even those that you don’t. Get a feel for the neighborhood, which way are they leaning, hamburger or hotdog? Tabulate your results and run them through a complex filtering algorithm, which will parse out all of the false positives and wildcards. Eat with your friends. Take secret notes about what they like. Casually bring up hamburgers and hotdogs in conversation. If you have a lover, role play as the food. Take these results and run them through your algorithm, this should give you a definitive hamburger or hot dog result. I like both by the way.
Last 4th of July, my uncle Randy got real drunk and caused a big scene. He started a fight, threw up in the barbeque, pushed a table into the pool, set the bushes on fire and blew off all of his fingers playing with fireworks. He’s coming back to the party this year. How do I prevent a repeat of last year?
Worried in Washington
Uh, I think you already answered your question, he already blew his fingers off. He can’t blow them off again.
Every year I go to my friend’s pool party and I feel so out of place because I’m not comfortable wearing a skimpy bikini. My crush is going to be there and I want to get his attention, but not by demeaning myself. Any advice?
Shy in Sharpsburg
You should never have to flaunt your body as way to get someone’s attention, but it also sounds like you need to make yourself stand out from the large breasted, supple, hard bodied women I am imagining in my mind. Instead of wearing a bikini, why not go to the pool party dressed as Samuel Adams? Not only was Samuel a signer of the Declaration of Independence, but he also started a highly successful beer company and was a vocal opponent of British taxes. If you arrive at the party dressed in heavy, woolen, Colonial era garb, smashed out of your mind on tasty Boston lager, and screaming, “No taxation without representation,” over and over, then there will be no need to demean yourself to get the attention you desire.
Is Uncle Sam real?
Wondering in Westchester
You’re damn right he’s real and if you’ve been good all year, he’ll come to your house, sneak into your room and leave a bunch of lit fireworks in your underwear.
I’m used to having an All-American, hamburger and hot dog barbeque, but in the past few years a lot of different barbeques have begun happening in my neighborhood. There are so many different meats being cooked that I don’t even recognize my neighborhood anymore. What can I do?
Afraid in Amarillo
Instead of being afraid, why not be accepting. Just because someone cooks a different meat than you, doesn’t mean they don’t love the 4th of July just as much. If you think about it, America is just one gigantic barbeque, where thousands of different and delicious meats, cook and sizzle together, sending their flavorful smoke into the air where it blends into a fantastic aroma of freedom and love. Go check out a different barbeque, you just might find that their meat, isn’t so different from yours.
My wife and I want to spice up our 4th of July fireworks, if you know what I mean, any suggestions for putting the explosion back into our celebration?
Plateaued in Pennsylvania
Great question, here’s what I would do. Plan to arrive at a barbeque separately. When you see each other, pretend that you don’t know one another. Proceed to get drunk. Eat too much. Drink some more. Get a horrible sunburn. Get high. Watch the fireworks. Hook up with other people. Never talk about it.
I have this neighbor who always throws the biggest 4th of July celebration on the block. It’s so big that he’s expanded it to several of the other backyards, including mine. The problem is, none of the other parties ever get invited to the big party and to top it off we have to give a portion of our leftovers to him, as payment for being a part of his party empire. This year he’s enacted a potato salad tax on everyone. It seems so unfair. If we can’t go to the main party, then why do we have to give him our leftovers. What do you think the Founding Fathers would do in this situation?
Not Invited in Nevada
They would dump that potato salad in the street and make fucking history.
That’s all for Ask Gregson: 4th of July edition. He’s super excited to be back and can’t wait to keep answering all of your incredible questions. Until next time, happy 4th of July and don’t play with fireworks!