Gymnastic Officials forced to put down Injured Pommel Horse

A night of excitement and competitive glory turned sad and dark, as gymnastics officials were forced to put down, Whippy’s Flair, one of the most celebrated pommel horses in men’s gymnastics, after a broken leg rendered the apparatus unusable.

“It was horrible,” said Phil Beauchamp, the horse’s trainer, “I raised Whippy from a little pommel horse into the magnificent champion he became. I just don’t know what happened.”

Whippy’s Flair, named after the grandson of owner George Sacksofshit, was a precocious horse who showed signs of brilliance at a young age. “I remember when my grandson and Whippy were both young, he was always trying to climb up on Whippy and do a flair or a double scissor,” chuckled George as tears simultaneously coursed down his weathered, leathery face and into his big bushy mustache. “They were best friends. This one time my grandson got a little too excited and tried a nine hundred-degree Russian Wendeswing to Wende and he nailed it! When he dismounted, ol’ Whippy kicked him right in the head, but it was more of a good job kick then anything mean.”

Whippy’s Flair was a veteran of over three hundred international competitions, including four world championships and five Olympics. Minor surgery on his left pommel in January, kept Whippy out of the Rio games, but there were high hopes that he would be able to return for Tokyo. “Do you know that in every single competition that Whippy’s Flair was in, somebody won the pommel horse event?” said Mary Singleton, an enthusiastic gymnastics fan, who traveled the world to watch Whippy’s Flair turn ordinary men into champions. “This pommel horse was special. There will never be another one like him.”

“I knew he wouldn’t go on forever, eventually every apparatus wears out, but to see him go down the way he did, in front of a crowd of fifteen thousand screaming fans was just horrific,” said Brett Shoulders, a male gymnast who narrowly missed qualifying, for the event that would allow him to qualify, for the Olympic trials. Brett was in the middle of his routine when he heard Whippy’s leg snap underneath him. “I was doing a travel up when I felt the leg give. I smacked my throat right on the pommel. That shit fucking hurt. I got up and finished though because that’s what a champion does,” then he added, “I’ve never actually won anything.”

“I blame that idiot Brett Shoulders,” said Sacksofshit, “There’s a reason that asshole can’t win a competition. Have you seen his rear scissor through handstand or his pathetic circle in cross support on one pommel? The man is reckless. I’ll be suing him.”

Whippy lay on the floor for a good hour while officials decided what they were going to do as the rings, floor exercise and high bar continued on around him. Finally, much to the horror and shock of everyone in the arena, officials walked out with a couple of shotguns and pumped Whippy full of lead. Screams and gasps filled the air. Brett, who had moved on to the rings, startled by the sudden loud report of several shotguns, became tangled in the rings and crushed his nuts.

“Truthfully, I don’t know why we had to shoot him. That seemed like overkill. We could have just dumped him in the trash,” said an official who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“I was going to stud Whippy out,” said Sacksofshit, “There were a lot of pommel horses getting in line to breed with him, even a few vaults and balance beams. Oh well.”

As Whippy was dragged from the arena by a forklift, a new pommel horse, Wommel’s Pommel, named after his owner Wendell Wommel, was brought out. Wommel's Pommel absolutely amazed the crowd. Despite this being his first competition, after several gymnasts competed on him, one of them scored more points than all the rest and won. “Wow,” said Singleton, “That is a special Pommel Horse.”