Confusion and consternation over the use of a square table during one of King Arthur’s weekly, Round-Table meetings, has many knights saying that the meeting was a complete and utter disaster. King Arthur’s decision to have his Round-Table, removed from the Camelot Conference Center and taken to a local shop for resurfacing, has left many of his knights fuming in their armor.
“I understand that some of them were a little upset over the new table, but I think they got over it,” said King Arthur as he sipped coffee from a mug that said: World’s Greatest Boss. “I like to have these weekly huddles just to get a pulse of what’s happening in the kingdom. It’s very informative and I think it’s fun.”
“It’s a total waste of my time,” said Sir Lancelot, “I’ve got a shit ton of work to do and I don’t have time to fuck around trying to figure out where the hell I’m supposed to sit! By the way, it’s called a meeting not a huddle, asshole. That word makes me want to run myself through with my sword.”
Indeed, many of the complaints centered around confusion over where the knights were supposed to sit. One testy exchange between Sir Percival and Sir Galahad nearly ended in a sword fight. “I like the round table because it means I get to sit as far away from Sir Galahad as possible,” said Percival, adjusting his chain mail, “That guy walks to work instead of riding his horse and by the time he gets here he stinks! I had to sit right next to him. We had words. I should have killed him, but then dungeon resources would get involved and nobody wants to deal with that paperwork nightmare.”
“He said that? Well, fuck him then,” said Galahad, “At least I take care of my body. That guy never met a feast he didn’t like. Also, I’d like to see him try to kill me. I take MMJ, mixed martial jousting, I’d kick his ass.”
After a tense five minutes the huddle got underway, with a short recap of the quarterly chivalry report from Sir Lamorak and an announcement by King Arthur, that this year’s Christmas Party would be held at Benihana. Underneath the table plenty of kicking and jostling was going on, while on top, elbows and hands were constantly being smacked, banged and slapped. The table was too small for all of the knights, forcing Sir Gawain and Sir Tristan, to sit in uncomfortable, rolling desk chairs, with virtually no lumbar support.
During the huddle, Sir Bors the Younger, gave a short presentation on dragons, much to the chagrin of those seated on the right side of the table.
“I had to completely turn around in my chair to see the fucking thing,” complained Sir Gaheris, “As if my neck doesn’t hurt enough already from wearing this armor all day. I’m going to have to go to the mall and get one of those chair massages.”
“Oh my god, listening to Gaheris go on and on about how many dragons he’s killed this year was torture,” said Lancelot, “We all know that guy is full of shit. That’s why I didn’t even bother turning around. Whatever his number is you have to divide it in half. Believe me, I went to high school with that guy, the only dragons he was killing back then were in the pages of a magazine.”
As the huddle came to a close many of the knights found it difficult to navigate around the square table to the exit. Galahad ran into Tristan, whose chair blocked Lamorak, who in turn banged into Bors, who pushed Lamorak into Percival, who tried to draw his sword, only to have it bang into the overhead projector in the corner. In the end Arthur made everyone sit back down and dismissed them one by one.
“We’re getting the round table back for next week’s huddle, that should smooth everything over,” said Arthur as he headed to his corner tower office to go over some fair maiden reports with his secretary.
“It’s called a meeting!” screamed Lancelot, “I don’t work ninety hour weeks to sit at a square table and go to a fucking huddle. I’m a knight. I went to Squire College for this shit. I should have been a dentist.”
UPDATE: King Arthur’s Round-Table has been fixed and re-installed in the Camelot Conference Center. It is also being reported that King Arthur has announced new ergonomic, oblong shaped desks, much to the dismay of his knights.