Dan Crayon, a thirty-three-year-old, unemployed, car wash technician, living in the basement of his parent’s house, is about to become the first person to ever log ten thousand games of laser tag, at South Humpleberry’s Galaxy Star Laser Dome. On the cusp of this great achievement, Freeloader Magazine sent correspondent Phil McButt, to Dan’s sweaty, stinky, unkempt, dungeon-like, basement apartment, to ask him four questions.
What influenced you to become a laser tagger and what is that smell?
Honestly, it was my older brother Lando that got me into it. Lando was always going to the laser dome to play and I would just kind of tag along. If Lando hadn’t died playing with rattlesnakes, I think he would have been the first to ten thousand games, but that’s life, accidents happen when you sniff glue. I farted.
How do you get ready for a game and seriously that can’t just be a fart, that’s something else?
I usually get up around three in the afternoon and select my laser tag shirt. I choose them depending on my mood. Tonight, for my ten thousandth game, I’m going to wear my naked lady with the huge boobs shirt and my star shaped sunglasses. I want it to be classy. I usually raid the fridge before my Dad gets home from work and try to steal a little money from my Mom’s purse, you know, so I can buy a burrito or an eight ball. I get to the dome at five and it’s on like Donkey Kong for the next seven hours. It might be my feet, or my pits, it’s hard to tell.
Speaking of your parents, in the past they have been your greatest critics. How do you respond to their demands that you to get a job and it’s not your feet, or your pits, that smell is vile, seriously fucking vile, did you shit yourself?
My parents are so stupid! Get a job. Oh my God! Why? So I can be like my Dad and have a life I hate, or like my Mom, who can’t stop crying, especially when I’m in the room? No way broseph. Besides, if you think about it, we’re almost living in the future anyways and lasers are going to be a big part of it. So why waste time getting a job that’s going to be totally outdated in another year? I’m like that guy Steve Jobs, you know, he invented those portable porn viewers that everybody has. I’m a visionary and when they start putting lasers on things, I’ll be ready. If I had shit myself, believe me you would know. It’s probably just my mini fridge. I think I left some gas station sushi in it last month.
What advice would you give to a laser tag virgin and for fucking real, it really smells like you shit yourself?
Who said I was a virgin?! Was it Rebecca Griggity, because if it was, she is lying! We totally boned. I swear. I did not get scared and barf all over her. That did not happen. Oh, sorry, I misheard you. I would say to the novice laser tagger to just relax, have fun and remember it’s okay to fart in the arena. It’s dark in there and nobody will ever know it’s you. The dark makes all farts anonymous. Yes, I shit myself.
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