Bad Breath Mixology

Lenny Barf is one of the top bad breath mixologists in the country. His rancid, horrible breath concoctions can be smelled at speed dating venues, roller rinks and sleazy motels across the country. He holds the record for the most failed first date kisses in a row. His signature bad breath formulas were once only available to a select group of scumbags, but now he’s opening his lower jaw and giving everyone a chance to make five of his most god-awful bad breath creations at home!  

The Dead Elephant

The Dead Elephant was one of the first bad breath mixes I ever came up with. Start by eating a cheap, gray colored, stringy steak, allowing the meat to really work its way in between your teeth. Let that sit for at least a day. Don’t floss! Once your breath begins to smell like a bloated, dead pachyderm rotting in the sub-tropical heat, chew on some spoiled watermelon or cantaloupe to give it that sickly sweet aroma of expired life.  

The Dead Elephant is perfect for meeting In-Laws or riding a crowded metro bus.

The Basement Dweller

I spent a good part of my life, which is to say, all of it, even currently, living in a damp, dirty basement. I discovered that the moist living conditions were very similar to that of a dumpster just after a fresh rain and were very conducive to growing mold in my mouth. You can do this at home by depositing trash in your bedroom for a week; make sure the floor is constantly covered in an inch of water and sleep on your back with your mouth open. Once your teeth and tongue turn fuzzy, your bad breath is ready to share.

Pro Tip: The sight of mold can turn people off, so keep your mouth closed until they are up close and ready for a surprise.

The Devil’s Asshole

Here’s a tried and true classic with a little twist. It’s very simple, drink a ton of beer and smoke at least two packs of cigarettes over the course of one to two hours. Pass out wherever. Now here’s the twist. When you wake up get one of those candy cigarettes, light it on fire and fill your mouth with the ashes. Your breath will smell like the Devil’s asshole and taste like it too!

For a divine twist, you can turn The Devil’s Asshole into Heaven’s Balloon Knot by switching the beer with champagne.

Irreconcilable Differences

My first marriage lasted six days and this bad breath blend was one of the reasons. Eat a raw onion. Make sure to really chew slowly, this will infuse every part of your mouth with the pungent, stinging aroma of this enchanting vegetable. Don’t get anywhere near a tube of toothpaste! Unlike other types of bad breath, this one can be enjoyed almost immediately and it lasts for hours, even days.

This bad breath pairs well with loud and intense shouting matches.

Peter’s Pickle

I love pickles. I often keep one in my pocket so that I can gnaw on it throughout the day. I like to start by drinking a glass of pickle juice right when I wake up, then I select the biggest pickle in the jar and lick it all over, to coat my tongue with the pickle’s essence. Next, head down to see your friend Peter. Ask to see his pickle. Maybe you can taste his pickle. I bet he’ll let you. Devour each others' pickles all day. When you’re done, your breath will smell like unwashed genitalia.

For added smell, use a garlic pickle.

I’m Lenny Barf and I hope you do too.