Beer City, Beersylvania –
Local man, Dave Sternbow, a disgustingly handsome twenty something, living inside an ad campaign for Chug Beer, appears to have developed a serious problem with drinking. Both friends and family have begun to see the troubling effects of Dave’s problem and fear that soon he may be beyond any kind of help.
“I first noticed it at this impromptu roof party that we had about a month ago,” said Sally Sweets, a super in-shape and insanely beautiful barista, “The power went out at our building so everyone went to the rooftop to stare at the stars, laugh and realize how cool it is to have good times with good friends. This super-hot guy who works for the power company brought a whole cooler of Chug Light. We all got super wasted; except for Dave. He just sat in the corner and kept complaining that he was missing his favorite TV show. I tried to get him to have a Chug Light, but he just refused.”
“Yeah, Dave has a problem,” said Rod Studbeef, an avid rock climber with rock star hair and male model looks who also owns a really cool Jeep. “Every year, the four of us, best friends from college, Pete, Steve, Dave and I go on this really awesome rock climbing adventure. We put the top down, hit the highway, find a secluded rock climbing spot and reconnect to our totally awesome friendship by getting super fucked up on Chug Ultra. This year, the only thing Dave drank was water. He wouldn’t even crack a beer when those four insanely hot rock climbing girls crashed our spot. I’m so worried about him I need to chug a Chug Ultra.”
Dave was recently spotted in the grocery store buying soda and bottled water. Eyewitnesses report that when the walls of the store suddenly iced over and the Chug Beer Monorail suddenly exploded through the meat counter, Dave just paid for his groceries and left rather than join the wild party going on in the beer cooler. He has also been seen not drinking a beer while at work. Dave’s parents, retired lifeguards, have noticed that his behavior has changed dramatically.
“He used to be so happy, but now he seems so, I don’t know, sober I guess is the word,” said his mom as she chugged a Chug. “He came over for dinner the other night and drank milk with his food. It was very awkward. His father and I tried to get him to have at least a couple of Chug’s before he drove home but he was adamant that he didn’t want any. I miss my boy.”
“We didn’t raise him to be like this,” said his father, “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go in the garage and drink a case of Chug while I gawk at the ridiculously hot neighbor while she waters her lawn in a bikini.”
Dave’s girlfriend, Stephanie Tormand, an incredibly athletic and obscenely gorgeous dog walker just doesn’t know what to do. “I remember when Dave wouldn’t think twice about enjoying the awesome flavor and good times of Chug beer, but now it’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore.” Stephanie who feels that their strained relationship is at a breaking point, is on the verge of giving up. “We used to enjoy a twelve pack of Chug Ultra after spin class but now he just has a protein shake and don’t even get me started on how weird it is that he insists on making love sober. Gross!”
“I think he’s got a real problem,” said Sally as she polished off her fifteenth beer of the day and stumbled back to her job where she pours molten hot coffee into flimsy paper cups.
“Somebody has to do something. He can’t go on not enjoying the cold filtered, never heat pasteurized, amazing taste of Chug beer,” said Rod, wearing a full body cast due to a rock climbing accident, while an amazingly sexy nurse poured a fresh Chug Original into his IV bag.
“I’m going to give him one more chance,” warned Stephanie, “We’re going to the lake next weekend and if he doesn’t enjoy the smooth finish of at least twelve Chug Light’s than I am not going to let him chase me down the rickety wooden boat dock and playfully jump into the very deep, bone chillingly cold water.”
Dave, who could not be reached for comment, is rumored to have left town to help a friend living inside of an erectile dysfunction ad deal with his constant boner.