Scientists to Reanimate Frozen Waffle

In what is being called a potential scientific breakthrough of mammoth proportions, scientists will soon attempt to reanimate a frozen waffle, which if successful, will have scientific, social and cultural implications as the past is literally brought back to life.

The subject of this daring attempt is a small, Eggo buttermilk waffle, thought to have been frozen over seven weeks ago. The waffle has been perfectly encased in a layer of freezer ice and preliminary testing indicates that its enriched flour DNA has not been damaged. The waffle was discovered by an international survey team consisting of microwave burritos, pizzas and tater tots, who were exploring the back part of the freezer for future frozen pea and corn drilling sites. “We were just walking along and my buddy El Monterey tripped on something sticking out of the ice,” said Ore Ida, a microwave tater tot, “That’s when DiGiorno rushed over and noticed that Monterey had tripped over a frozen waffle. We were all a little shocked.”

The waffle was excavated and brought to the Microwave Institute of Technology, where professor Linda Shortstack, a delicious stack of golden brown fluffy pancakes was called in to examine the waffle. “I’ll never forget the first time I saw Egg,” she said with a chuckle, “that’s what we’ve been calling him. He was perfectly preserved in ice. I could tell right away that he had no freezer burn and his little syrup squares were still perfectly formed.”

“Once we ran his DNA, that’s when things got really exciting,” said Dan Crepe, a delicious strawberry crepe and a leading researcher at MIT. “Not only was his enriched flour DNA intact, but his vitamin B1, his sugar and his sodium aluminum phosphates were all undamaged by the ice. That’s when Linda suggested that we try to bring Egg back to life.”

The news that an attempt to bring Egg back to life was met with a flurry of opinions from all corners of the globe, with many expressing support for the procedure. Still, there have been protests and several members of the Continental Breakfast Congress have pushed for a temporary stay on the procedure, until hearings can be conducted.   

“We’re moving forward with this,” said Linda with a wistful smile, “Think about it, if this succeeds, we’ll literally be able to talk to the past. We can learn so much from Egg.”

Linda and her team will be using cutting edge technology to bring Egg back to life. MIT has recently developed a four-slot toaster with enough toasting power to cook four thick bagel slices at once. “We’ve been working with the team from Black and Decker on this for a while now. This particular toaster has been modified so that all of the toasting power can be channeled into just one of the slots. When we drop Egg in there he’s going to come out golden brown and hopefully alive.”

No official date has been scheduled for the procedure, but rumors are that it will be soon. Will Egg be able to give us all a glimpse into the past, or will he simple pop out of the toaster dead and lifeless? I guess we’ll find out.

UPDATE:

Early reports out of MIT are that the procedure to reanimate Egg has occurred. Apparently, it was a smashing success with eyewitnesses reporting that Egg emerged from the toaster alive and smelling delicious. Linda was said to be ecstatic. However just as Egg began to talk, some kind of flesh covered alien hand snatched him from the toaster, slathered him in butter and drowned him in syrup.