There is considerable concern and worry from family, friends and co-workers over the fact that local mall Santa, Fred Duperson, apparently still believes in himself. The always upbeat and gregarious Duperson is said to believe in himself so strongly that literally no argument or logical persuasion to the contrary can dispel his unshakeable belief in himself.
“I just have this belief,” said Duperson over his lunch of top ramen and ketchup packets in the breakroom of the Humpleberry Mall. “I just believe in myself. Plain and simple.” Duperson who has played Santa Claus for the last five years, is said to always have a smile on his face and a ho-ho-ho in his step.
“Yeah the dude is always telling people he’s real and that he has real feelings. It’s pathetic,” said Jennifer Sunderland, a nineteen-year-old college student who’s played an elf at Santa’s Workshop for the past two years. “I stopped believing in Santa when I was eight. Eight! The only real thing in this world is pain. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Orange Julius.”
Duperson’s parents, Bob and Jean Duperson have been concerned about their son’s iron clad belief for years. “Fred was a normal child. He always got excited for Christmas and Santa Claus. We figured he’d stopped believing in him the year he caught both of us putting presents marked, From Santa, under the tree. But after years of unemployment and living in our basement he finally gets this job as a mall Santa and suddenly starts saying he believes in Santa again. It’s sad.”
“Yeah, I believe in myself. I mean, if you’re going to do this job, twelve hours a day for minimum wage and a box of candy canes, I think you have to, otherwise you’d go crazy,” reiterated Fred as he bounced a crying baby on his knee and smiled for the camera. “I just wish everyone else believed in me as much as the kids do.”
“Fred and I dated for about a year before he got the job at the mall,” said Veronica Tumbly, a cinnamon roll technician at Cinnabon, “Even back then he was always saying stuff like, ‘You gotta believe’ and ‘Believe in me’ and ‘We just have to believe’. I always thought he was being confident that something better was going to come along, but now, I realize he was just talking about Santa Claus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to Lady Footlocker.”
“We love that Fred believes in himself, it’s great for the kids and the mall,” said mall manager Ron Hawckunt, “but if I see him talking like that when he’s not wearing the Santa suit I’ll fucking fire his ass. Now if you’ll excuse me, some kid just pissed in the mall’s water feature.”
“Look, I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how much clearer I can make this. I believe in myself. That’s all there is to it. I believe I’m a real person. Why is this so hard to understand?”
“I’m just don’t understand him,” said his mom as she perused the windows in front of the Jared store, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading over to Charlotte Russe.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop believing in myself,” said Duperson as he scrubbed vomit out of his red satin jacket in the men’s bathroom, “this is just a bump on the road to success. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go visit that kiosk that sells phone cases.”
For now, it seems that Duperson will continue to believe in himself, though when asked if he would still believe in himself if he was forced to take the job of mall Easter Bunny he replied with a definitive, “Fuck no.”