Hey, it’s the weekend and you’ve got huge plans to get some things accomplished. You’re free from the shackles of work, this is your time and you plan on using it to get some things done! Let’s face it though, the amount of stuff you’re going to get done falls somewhere between jack shit and nothing, so here’s the list of things you aren’t going to do this weekend.
1. Wake up and run.
2. Floss the meat from the Brazilian Steakhouse from your back teeth.
3. Clean the thick tangle of hair from your shower drain.
4. Learn Spanish.
5. Try that new Ramen place.
6. Write the first word, of the first sentence, of your first novel.
7. Mop the floor.
9. Watch that show that your friends are always telling you that you have to watch.
10. Renew your car registration.
11. Check out your friend’s shitty improv team.
12. Eat healthy.
13. Drink less than eight beers before 3 P.M.
14. Engage in rational political discourse with someone who holds an opposing view.
15. Practice your guitar.
16. Take out the trash.
17. Read a book for more than five minutes without giving up to watch HGTV.
18. Do some pushups and sit-ups.
19. Stare up at the stars and contemplate just how small and insignificant we all are when you consider us in a galactic context.
20. Get out of bed.
Now that we know all the things you aren’t going to do, here is the one thing you are definitely going to do this weekend.
1. Look at stupid shit on Facebook.