The Valentine’s Day menu at the Cheese Wagon Buffet was released this morning and it’s not going to be kind to your wallet.
“Valentine’s Day is one of our biggest nights of the year. This place is going to be packed with couples who couldn’t get into a regular restaurant or who just don’t have any kind of romantic imagination,” said the restaurant manager, Turd Johansen.
Cheese Wagon Buffet, known for its wide array of under-cooked, tasteless offerings usually balances their low-quality food with low prices, but with the increased demand for dining options on Valentine’s Day, the prices will rise.
“Our buffet usually costs just five ninety-nine, but this Valentine’s Day we’ll be charging seventy-five dollars for access to just the salad bar and ninety-nine dollars for what we’re calling Full Wagon Access.”
Until recently, the Cheese Wagon had been shut down for health inspection violations, but last week, earned a passing grade that allowed the antithesis of fine dining, to once again open its doors, just in time for the Valentine’s Day rush.
“Yeah, that was a close one,” said Turd as he used his bare hands to fluff the brown, slimy lettuce in the salad bar, “We had a few issues with our refrigerators not working, but we got them fixed. Trust me, everything will be mostly clean and edible on Valentine’s Day and we’ll be proudly displaying the D we received from the health inspector in all of our windows.”
Johansen provided a list of special a la carte items that will be offered only on Valentine’s Day. They include:
- Salisbury Steak and Deformed Corn $49.99
- Microwave Turkey with Imitation Crab Cakes $72.54
- Filet of Cod and Peanut Butter $34.58
- Pudding $18.00
- Boxed Wine $18.00 a glass, $58.00 per box
Rumors from wait staff, are that tap water, will also not be free.
The Cheese Wagon will also for the first time in their history be taking reservations. “Yup, that’s true,” said Turd as he stirred the blue tinged spaghetti with his fat hairy fingers, “Reservations will cost you twelve bucks, but we highly recommend them if you don’t want to wait three hours to get in. We’re already filling up. Trust me, you don’t want to be that guy who promises a romantic dinner and then can’t get in to the restaurant.”
When asked if the Cheese Wagon had any other special culinary offerings for the big day, Turd cracked a sly smile, coughed all over the silverware bins and said, “Nope.”
The Cheese Wagon Buffet is conveniently located next to the hospital and will be open all day on Valentine’s Day.