Ask Gregson: Easter Edition

Gregson Gregoolly is an award-winning columnist who answers your questions about life, love and the pursuit of joyfulness. His column has appeared in every major newspaper in the world and the digital edition reaches an estimated fifteen billion people maybe. It has been translated into over fifteen thousand languages. Today Gregson tackles your miraculous Easter questions.

Dear Gregson,

My family doesn’t seem to understand the true meaning of Easter. I’m really worried about their eternal souls. Any advice to get them back on the straight and narrow?

Worried in Wisconsin

It's very simple. Easter is about gorging yourself on delicious candy that springs forth from the magical candy shooter, at the ass end of Roddy the Rabbit, aka, the Easter Bunny. The only way to get your family to understand how important it is, is to dress up as Roddy and hide in their closets. When they wake on Easter morning, leap from the shadows, armed with colorful candy eggs and scream, “Eat the candy or die!”

Dear Gregson,

I’m attending Easter dinner with my girlfriend’s family. It’s going to be the first time meeting her parents. I really want to make a big impression. What should I do?

Nervous in Nevada

After dinner, excuse yourself from the table and leave an upper decker in their main bathroom. Make sure to do it with the door open. Nothing could leave a bigger impression.

Dear Gregson,

I’m pretty sure that my boyfriend has been dyeing Easter Eggs with somebody else. He is always coming home at odd hours with colorful spots on his collar and sometimes he smells like a brand of vinegar that isn’t mine! I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to be treated like this. Help!

Upset in Upland

Dyeing eggs outside of a relationship is one of the most common problems I hear about. You need to talk with your boyfriend, be honest, let him know that you won’t stand for him making colorful swirls and patterns on eggs that aren’t your own. If he still insists on dipping his egg holder in someone else’s dye then it’s time to say goodbye.

Dear Gregson,

I don’t want to sound like a complainer, but I just don’t get what the deal is with the Easter Bunny. I mean, how in the world did the idea of a magical rabbit, who delivers candy to children, somehow become associated with one of the most important days in the Christian calendar? Seriously, this is more preposterous than Santa Claus.

Jesus

I feel you, Roddy deserves his own day.

Dear Gregson,

I may have accidentally shot Roddy the Rabbit. What should I tell my kids?

Trigger-Happy in Hampstead

Dinner is served.

That’s all for Ask Gregson: Easter Edition. Gregson will be on vacation for the next few months, but look for him to return in July for the second annual Ask Gregson: Fourth of July Edition. Until then, have a happy and safe Easter and don’t forget to thank Roddy for all the candy!