In the early morning hours on Thursday, police received a call of a fight in the candy aisle of the local Piggy Pig’s Grocery store. They arrived to find multiple ongoing fights and victims lying on the floor.
“When we got there, it was total chaos,” said Deputy Butterfinger, a stale Butterfinger candy bar who has been on the force for almost two years, “I’ve seen fights before, but nothing like this. It was all sugar and spice and nothing nice.”
Initial reports indicate that the fight began when a sucker named Wild Strawberry punched a lemon-flavored piece of Starburst. The Starburst had been seen speaking to Wild Strawberry’s wife, Baby Ruth, aggravating Wild Strawberry. Shortly after, the sucker punch was thrown.
“That tasty son-of-a bitch was talking to my Baby. He was making all kinds of lewd remarks. I had no choice but to kick his ass,” said a handcuffed Wild Strawberry from the backseat of a police box of Twinkies. “He’s lucky I kept my wrapper on or it would have been way worse.”
“Fuck him,” said the Starburst from the back of an ambulance as he was being treated for a torn wrapper and several small dents to his sweet, yellow flesh. “All I did was ask her name, that’s it.”
“Oh, he did way more than that,” said Baby Ruth as she waited for Deputy Butterfinger to take her statement. “I was just minding my own business when this lemon-flavored asshole comes up to me and tells me he wants to take me home and unwrap me. He suggested going back to his display box so we could really nougat to know each other. What a jerk! That was when Wild Strawberry came over. Thank Goodbar.”
According to eyewitnesses that’s when Wild Strawberry sucker punched the Starburst and all hell broke loose. The punch sent the Starburst flying backwards into a Snickers bar, spilling his drink into the lap of a very large and angry King Size Nestle Crunch. The Crunch bar crunched the Snickers over the head with a pixie stick which set off the entire aisle. Milky Way was seen trading punches with the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup twins; Krackel cracked Special Dark over the head with a wax candy beer bottle, while a crazed Abba-Zaba broke off several pieces of a poor Kit Kat caught up in the melee. Things took a serious turn for the worse, when a gang of M&M’s entered the aisle at the same time as their rival gang, Skittles. The two gangs took the opportunity to settle their long-standing turf war once and for all. The entire melee was finally broken up when Deputy Butterfinger arrived with the 3 Musketeers and put a stop to the fighting.
“We’ve a lot of candy going to the stock room tonight,” said Butterfinger, “and some of them are going in the trash. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got Dr. Whatchamacallit from the ME’s office coming down to take pictures and I still have to interview a whole bunch of Skittles and M&M’s. Tonight’s going to be a real Rocky Road if you know what I mean.”
Wild Strawberry is facing assault charges while the Starburst will likely be let go. “It’s not fair,” said a crying Baby Ruth, “Wild Strawberry goes to the stock room while that lemon bastard goes free. I hate lemon Starburst. Everyone does.”