My First Time

In every relationship, there comes a moment when the trust deepens and love begins to blossom like a rose after a gentle summer rain. The walls guarding our hearts begin to fall and as they crumble to the ground, laying bare the soul, it is finally time to share the most intimate parts of ourselves. These stories are reminders of that special first time and how it can change the course of a relationship forever.

“I remember I was sixteen. Roger and I had been dating for almost six months. We went to the movies and then back to his house. His parents were out of town. We went to his bedroom and lay down on his bed. It hurt a little, but not too bad, I had after all, been holding in the fart for most of the date. It smelled like rancid butter and paprika. It sounded like a screaming raccoon playing a kazoo. That was the first time I farted in front of him. Afterwards we made love for the billionth time and I got pregnant with twins and ruined my life.”

-          Jenny Shammy, Dillyfork, Oregon

“I was dating my wife at the time, we were still in college. I took her to a really fancy restaurant for our one year anniversary. She looked amazing. After the main course, I got down on one knee. She looked so surprised and started crying, but not because I was proposing, because I had just let out a toxic cloud from my rectum and her eyes were burning. We were kicked out of the restaurant.”

-          Bill Handydan, Cinnamon, WY

“Tim and I used to drive up to a spot called Makeout Point. We would get in the backseat of his car and neck for hours. Things were getting serious and I wanted to give him a part of me that I had never given to anyone else. My first fart rattled off the ripped pleather seat cushion like a muffled bass drum. Tim looked shocked; for a moment, I thought I had made a mistake, but then he closed his eyes and seemed to be concentrating really hard. I have to admit, Tim had one of the longest and thickest farts I have ever experienced. It reminded me of a seven-forty-seven at full throttle. It smelled like burnt underwear and marshmallows. It was his first time too. We farted in the backseat of his car all night long.”

-          Sarah Heaps, New Wisconsin, Wisconsin

“My first time was at a house party. I met this girl by the keg and we started talking. Ten minutes later we were in the closet making out when my rump exploded and I farted a bunch of shit into my pants. I never saw her again. What a night!”

-          Danny Dudes, Blimpton, New York

“I’ve had a lot of first times, but my first time with my husband is the only one that I truly count. It was Thanksgiving, and I was meeting his family for the first time. We were all seated around the dinner table, about to dig in when the jalapeno cheese puffs I was eating earlier suddenly began knocking on the back door. His family is deeply religious and during grace, right when they were talking about Jesus, I began to fire out a hot jet of nasty gas. Everyone was looking at me as I sustained my fart through several mentions of God, Jesus and thanks for the bounty before us. My fart ratcheted up into a high-pitched whine as signs of the cross were thrown in my direction. I stood so I could really let it all out. My final crescendo was a sputtering, coughing sort of sound that threatened to blow out my entire bottom. Finally, I was done. Everyone was vomiting and it looked like the turkey was melting. I smiled at my horrified husband and said amen. It was time to eat.”

               -Vicki Flappy, Glipperton, Nevada