Parental Summer Hydration Guide

Last Straw Parenting Magazine recently sat down with young mother of five, Mary Simmons and spoke with her about the importance of proper summer hydration. She shared with us her favorite drinks for all kinds of awesome summer activities.

The Park

Taking the kids to the park is one of my favorite activities. Sometimes being cooped up in the house all day can really wear on your nerves, so getting outside and letting the kids run and play is a great thing. Of course, it’s summertime and the weather is hot, so proper hydration is important. That’s why I recommend a bottle of chilled chardonnay with a cherry flavored vodka chaser. I can sip on that for hours and slowly drift off into a blackout drunk while the kids scream and scream and fight and scream.

The Children’s Museum

The only thing worse than having to corral five hyperactive little shits into a minivan that needs new brakes and a windshield is having to take them to the Children’s Museum. I mean, seriously, the Children’s Museum is fucking stupid. Not only are the exhibits completely boring, but the museum is pretty big and thirst becomes a real factor. That’s why I bring what I like to call, my Museum Manhattan. It has all the standard ingredients, except that instead of cherries I add cherry cola. Four or five of those and the Children’s museum is suddenly bearable.

The Movies

Do you know that I haven’t been able to see a real movie in five years? The only movies I get to see involve talking bugs and cars. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a real actor on the screen. The one thing I do love about the movies is the popcorn, but it can make me really thirsty. My movie drink is probably the simplest of them all. I just put a bottle of rum in my purse and sneak it in. I buy a large coke to mix it in and let the kids sit in the front row, while I go all the way to the back and dream about watching a movie that stars Owen Wilson instead of just his voice.

The Beach

Going to the beach may be the worst logistical nightmare of all time. None of my kids listens to me, so getting all five of them to put on their bathing suits while I make five lunches, gather up sunscreen, towels and the water wings is enough to drive me fucking bananas! Plus, you can’t take glass to the beach, so wine and whiskey are a no go. That’s why last year I invested in a canning machine that actually cans beer in generic looking soda cans. This allows me to bring what looks like a twelve pack of soda pop to the beach and drink it in the ninety plus degree heat until my head gets all swimmy and I fall face down in the sand. The one good thing about the beach is it offers free babysitters who sit in towers and watch the kids.

Puppet Show

Just saying the words puppet show makes me want to mainline scotch. I can’t for the life of me think of a more-creepy and absolutely fucking moronic waste of time and the kicker is, my kids eat it up like it’s candy. The puppet theater is always really hot and I get really thirsty, that’s why I just drop the kids off and go to the bar across the street. They have a morning special where you get two free shots with every pitcher of beer you purchase before 10 AM. The puppet show goes for two hours, so thankfully I’m able to stay thoroughly hydrated throughout.

Thanks for the great advice Mary, stay hydrated and have an awesome summer!