Last Monday evening, unemployed video game enthusiast and all around fun guy, Dwayne Chumps, brought his portable, blue tooth enabled speaker onto the #7 bus during the crowded evening rush and proceeded to rock his playlist, much to the delight of those packed onto the bus with him.
Dwayne, who possesses a vast and diverse musical taste, thrilled the occupants with everything from death metal to gangster rap to Kidz Bop. Correctly sensing that the entire bus probably wanted to hear all of his tasty jams, Dwayne smartly sat right in the middle and made sure to turn the speaker up to full volume.
“When I first saw him get on with the portable speaker, I thought, oh boy, here we go again, some asshole is going to force me to listen to some shitty fucking song against my will, but once he started blasting that fast paced, screaming death metal, I just got scared and pretended I liked it,” said Ray Turtle a stock broker who works in the downtown financial district.
“The dude clearly doesn’t believe in showering,” said Shelly Thompson, a hospice care nurse who takes the bus every evening, “I honestly smelled him before I saw him. Thank god he started playing that one song that objectifies women and uses the F word a lot, because it really distracted from the smell.”
“When he started singing along to the music, I was getting really annoyed. I mean, his voice sounded like a rhino fucking an elk,” said Steve Ripper, a dentist’s assistant who had just finished a long twelve-hour day, “I asked the guy to turn it down and he just looks up at me, without bothering to take his sunglasses off and tells me he’s going to fucking cut my throat. That’s when I realized that his singing really wasn’t that bad after all.”
Dwayne kept mostly to a profanity laced playlist of hard rock and rap during the first ten stops, but once the route began meandering into the local suburbs, Dwayne deftly switched the playlist to a mixture of smooth, sexy R&B and fun, claw-your-eyes-out annoying kids’ music.
“I have to ride the bus all the way to the last stop,” said Ginger Raddison, a single mother of two who works as a security guard at a downtown office building, “When he started playing those slow jams that people make love to, at a volume that I didn’t think was possible for one of those portable speakers, I found myself actually grooving to the music a little, as I tried to pry open the emergency window exit so I could jump out.”
“The kids’ music was actually my favorite part,” said Greg Bunter, an insurance salesman, “At first I thought, how fucking rude is this guy, playing kids music on a packed bus. Doesn’t he realize that some of us don’t have kids? But when I pushed my way through the crowd to start a fight with that fucking piece of shit, he pulled out a switchblade and I realized, if I ever had kids, they could grow up to be this guy; a grown man, wearing a ripped shirt that says Eat My Dick, blasting a hip hop children’s version of Pearl Jam’s Evenflow on a crowded city bus and I realized, right then and there, I don’t ever want to have kids. After that, I couldn’t wait to get off the bus and tell that to my fiancé.”
“I was the last one off,” said Jill Trenton, a casting director, “Right before the last stop, he was blasting this song that was using the N word over and over and over again and I thought to myself, this man is so completely offensive and inappropriate that he would be perfect for a role in this move I’m casting. I gave him my card and I think he gave me a cold when he coughed all over me.”
Dwayne stayed on the bus and went through his entire playlist a second time as he rode it back downtown. When asked if he ever wondered how other people felt about his loud, often vulgar display of music he said, “No,” then added, “Sometimes people talk on their phone on the bus and that’s fucking rude!”