Man Has Trouble Keeping Snake in His Pants

Multiple reports coming out of the quiet, tree lined suburban streets of West Humpleberry, are that local man, Marty Scumburger can’t seem to keep his snake in his pants. Marty, a delivery man for a local water company apparently has been seen showing his snake to multiple customers on his delivery route, as well as at the local park behind the women’s restroom and in several of the seedy, downtown motels. Many, including his wife, are concerned.

“I tell him every morning before he leaves for work that he better keep his goddamn snake in his pants and just do his job,” said Theresa Scumburger, his wife of five years and the owner of a local bookkeeping business. “He always looks at me, smiles, gives me a wink and says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Meanwhile I can see that thing right underneath the fabric of his pants, just squirming around. I want to believe him, but I don’t.”

“It wasn’t always like this,” said Marty as he unloaded a five-gallon water bottle from his truck, “he used to be really well behaved. I would stick him in my pocket and we’d just go about our day together, but he just kept growing and before long, he wouldn’t fit in my pocket anymore and started taking over my whole pants. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve got a really big snake and when he wants to come out, he does.” A buxom blonde woman, sporting cleavage deeper than the Grand Canyon waves at him from her porch. “That’s Mrs. Greene, I always love delivering to her because her husband is usually away at work and it makes it easier to bring the water in. She can’t get enough of my snake. He is usually out of my pants before the door even closes.”

“Yes, Marty has a really long snake and it is so cute. I usually pet him while Marty installs the new water bottle on my cooler,” said Mrs. Greene. “I remember the first time Marty came to my door. I was crying because my husband and I had been fighting, but Marty whipped out his snake and let me hold it until I calmed down. He stayed for almost an hour. We talked while his snake played with my cat.”

While many in the neighborhood echo Mrs. Greene’s sentiments, Marty does have his fair share of detractors, including his boss, Danny Truckload. “Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors about Marty’s snake, but I’ve never actually seen it. This company has a strict policy about what is and what isn’t appropriate workplace behavior. I went on a ride along with him the other day and I could tell there was something writhing around in his pants, but he never let it out. I’ll catch him one of these days and then his ass is gone.”

On weekends Marty has been seen in Humpleberry Park, sitting on a park bench, with his snake peeking it’s head out of the leg of his shorts. “Oh my god, what a sicko,” said Harriet Flopper, who regularly attends a workout class held each Saturday in the park. “I don’t need to see some guys snake while I’m trying to do lunges. Did you know that it only has one eye!”

“Yeah, he lost it in a gardening accident a few years back,” said Marty as he wandered around back of the women’s restroom with Harriet’s workout instructor, “it hasn’t slowed him down though. I call him Richard the One-Eyed Cobra. Cute huh?”

“I just call him Marty’s Dick. Isn’t that funny,” said Bonnie Vernon, the workout instructor. “Sometimes when Marty’s Dick gets real excited it shoots loads of venom all over the place. I live a real holistic lifestyle and I find the venom is really good for my skin.”

Two times a week, Marty brings his snake to a seedy downtown street corner where a group of scantily clad women in high heels often meet. “They’ve started calling themselves the Snake Charmers,” said Marty with a chuckle, “It’s been really good for Richard. So often I have to try really hard to keep him in my pants, even at home, I mean he’s a snake and not everyone feels comfortable with him out and about. But with the Snake Charmers, he’s free to slither all around the motel room for at least an hour, sometimes two if I want to pay a little extra.”

“I just wish he could keep the damn thing in its cage,” said his wife, “it would be so much easier not to have to hear the whispers at the grocery store or see the look on Mrs. Greene’s face every time I pass her on the street. It’s embarrassing, but that snake has been a part of Marty for as long as I’ve known him. It’s like their attached to each other.”

“What can I say, he’s my snake, he’s got a mind of his own.”

It is being reported that Marty and his wife recently got into a huge argument when Marty came home early from work to find Mr. Greene, a chicken breeder, showing Theresa his cock.