Insurance salesman Gerb Buttersteak has confirmed that the grass belonging to his neighbor, a hot-shot trial lawyer named Steel Hammersmith, is in fact greener than his.
“I guess I first noticed it the day I started sleeping with his wife Mindy. Steel had gone to work and I had the day off. I walked over to borrow a cup of sugar and ended up in Steel’s bed with his beautiful young bride. I even used a couple of Steel’s condoms. On my way-back across the lawn to my cold, lonely home, I thought, maybe his grass was just a twinge greener than mine. I just laughed it off though.”
The following weeks would bring Gerb to a dawning realization that the hue of green on Steel’s grass was in fact greener than his own.
“I remember about a week after our first encounter, I stopped by to make love again and Mindy asked if I wanted to drive Steel’s sports car. I of course said yes and we took it out on a long drive up a winding road into the hills. That thing is a fucking performance machine. It’s nothing like my rusted out, early nineties station wagon. When we got back, as I was pulling into Steel’s large five car garage, I glanced at his front lawn and dammit if I didn’t think his grass was just a little bit greener than mine.”
Gerb began spending more and more time at Steel’s place, wearing Steel’s designer clothes, eating his organic food and making love to his wife. “I remember having a wild love making session in the hot tub out back when I suddenly had this great idea. Why didn’t I take a picture of my lawn and Steel’s to see which one was greener in a side by side comparison! Mindy thought it was a good idea too, so I climbed out of the hot tub, threw on a pair of Steel’s silk underwear, grabbed his ten thousand-dollar DSLR camera and took some pictures. When I viewed them on Steel’s forty-thousand-dollar Ultra 5K computer monitors I realized that his grass was way greener than mine! I ran home to my dilapidated, cock-roach infested house and began the long process of using my dial up Internet connection to search for a local nursery that sells grass food.”
Several months have passed and Gerb’s lawn has in fact grown greener, nearly matching that of his neighbor.
“I don’t know, I guess it’s greener,” said Gerb as he pushed an old mechanical lawn mower over his lawn. When Mindy stepped out of her house to grab the newspaper Gerb stopped and stared. “I’ll tell you what, ever since Mindy’s baby bump started showing, Steel’s grass seems to have gotten greener and greener. I don’t know if mine is ever going to get that green. Oh well, at least we don’t have to worry about using Steel’s condoms anymore.”
When Steel was asked what he thought of Gerb’s lawn he stared off into the distance for a moment, like a man wishing he was somewhere else and said, “I work long hours and I’m pretty sure that’s someone else’s kid in my wife. That’s the greenest fucking lawn I’ve ever seen.”