Don’t you just hate it when you have to excuse yourself from a crowded dinner party, or a company meeting to hustle to the bathroom; and you know that if you take more than a minute to return, everyone is going to start looking at each other and whispering, shaking their heads, raising eyebrows and judging you. Then someone is going to speak up, probably Susan from accounting or possibly Barry from down the street and say, “Looks like someone is taking a dump.” Of course, when you return from your bathroom break all eyes will be upon you, imagining what it must have been like as you labored through what in their minds was a horrific, corn riddled, baked potato sized dump that more than likely needed a couple of flushes to get down. Wouldn’t it be great if you could avoid all of that embarrassment? Well now you can with these 5 Ways to Make People Think You Didn’t Just Take a Dump!
1. Wear a diaper. This technique, known as the Blow and Go, allows you to take a dump right there at the dinner or conference table. Simply poop and then excuse yourself. Once inside the bathroom it only takes a quick thirty seconds to remove the diaper and toss it out a window or hide it under the sink. When you return, everyone will think you simply had to pee.
2. Return with a painting. If you get up to blow some mud, odds are it’s going to take at least a half hour. In order to divert suspicion from the fact that you just took a shit, bring an easel and some water color paint with you into the bathroom. When you return with a portrait of yourself in front of a sweeping mountain vista, everyone will just assume your absence meant you were only painting and nothing else.
3. Shit outside. This is probably the most popular technique for avoiding those uncomfortable post shit looks. All you have to do is announce that you need a little air. Nobody will think that you have any ulterior motive other than stepping outside to breathe some fresh city oxygen. Find a nice bush or a flower bed and lay some track. When you finish just use some leaves or drag your ass on the ground like a dog to clean up. After you return to the group, be sure to make a comment about how air is really great.
4. Switch your chair for a toilet. The ‘hiding in plain sight’ maneuver is an easy way to take a dump without ever having to leave the room. Whenever the overwhelming feeling of an all-out colon catastrophe comes calling, you don’t have to do anything but let it flow. To everyone seated around you it will seem like you are just sitting there. They won’t have any idea! When someone points out that it sounds like your chair is flushing you say, “It’s a chair Barry, not a toilet, what are you an idiot!” Everyone will laugh. You are the life of the party.
5. Cause a distraction. If you forget to wear your diaper or bring your painting supplies and there is no opportunity to sneak a toilet into the room or get outside, then you will need to cause a distraction. This can take many forms, but one of the most effective ways to send everyone into a complete frenzy is to simply announce a differing religious or political view and watch everyone go fucking nuts. As the cacophony of opinions reaches as a fever pitch, sneak down the hall and take a gigantic dump. When you return everyone will be crying and angry and nobody will know that you just clogged the only toilet in the house.
Next time we’ll talk about 5 Ways to Convince Everyone You Didn’t Just Pick Your Nose.