In what was probably the most awkward and embarrassing moment of his young life, teenage tomato Carl Redmond was caught watching an adult vegetable movie in his bedroom by his mom. Sandra Redmond, who has a tendency to just stroll into her son’s room without a second’s thought of knocking, opened the door and was faced with the sight of her teenage son furiously stroking his pedicel to a couple of ears shucking each other. Carl’s green skin immediately turned a shade of tomato red while his mom screamed and ran from the room, nearly splatting into the wall on the way out.
“Oh my god, I don’t even want to think about it,” said Sandra, “I was just going to tell Carl that I needed him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry and well, I guess his clothes weren’t the only things that were dirty in there.”
The corno that Carl was watching was a film called the Corn Identity, a triple X spoof of a popular spy movie. In it, the main character, Julia Corn, played by corn star Hannah Husk, must engage in a series of sexual encounters in order to regain her memory. She’s joined in the film by Silvia Silk, Rachel Harvest and longtime corn veteran Connie Cobbs. The film also stars several of the industry’s top male talent including Tassel Pollenbigdick, Stalk Longman and Root. The film is thin on plot but heavy on pollination.
“I got a call at the office from my wife,” said Dave Redmond, Carl’s father, “She sounded upset, I thought something was wrong, but then she told me what happened and I was a little relieved. I mean, don’t get me wrong, corno can really give a young tomato like Carl an unrealistic idea about vegetable sex, but he is starting to ripen and this is just part of him discovering his tomato sexuality. I’ll have to have a talk with him when I get home to the garden.”
“Look, I’ll be honest, I’ve watched a couple cornos in my day,” admitted Sandra, “but I was much older. I was a completely ripe tomato, so I understood what I was watching. Things have changed though, I mean, there was no silk on that screen. Not a single strand. Back in my day ears of corn had big, full bushes of silk and all the kernels were natural. I guess the acting is still just as bad and the scenarios are just as laughable. I mean really, when was the last time you just randomly shucked the pizza delivery stalk?”
Several hours later an embarrassed Carl walked downstairs to get a glass of milk. His mom didn’t say anything about their earlier encounter and Carl didn’t bother making eye contact. He returned to his room moments later and stayed there the rest of the night.
“I walked by his room before I went to bed and I all I heard were the sounds of his video games,” said Sandra, “I’m not going to take his corno. I think he’ll be too embarrassed to watch it for a while. Eventually we’ll talk about it.”
Carl has tried several times in the last week to watch the Corn Identity but is having difficulty even making it through the foreplay before having to shut it off. “I’ve tried, but I can’t. I’ve even fast forwarded right into the middle of the super-hot scene where Root is shucking Connie Cobbs and Hannah Husk, but it just doesn’t work for me. Every time I turn on this corno I start thinking about my mom. You ever try watching a corno and suddenly your mom pops into your head? I don’t know about you, but for me, that totally ruins it.”