It’s almost time for Halloween, and you know what that means. It means you need a sexy Halloween costume to wear to your friend Sharon’s super sexy Halloween bash; but with so many choices it can be hard to decide just what kind of sexy outfit to wear. Should you go as a sexy nurse or a sexy vampire? Could sexy pirate be your costume of choice or is sexy firefighter more your speed? Maybe you want to go as something even sexier? These five super sexy Halloween costumes are sure to make you the talk of Sharon’s party.
1. Sexy Jabba the Hutt – Nothing is sexier than confidence and who exudes confidence more than the disgusting slug from Return of the Jedi, Jabba the Hutt. It takes confidence the size of the Rancor to think you can take out a Jedi Knight and his friends by simply skiffing them into the desert and feeding them to the old Sarlacc. When you confidently roll up to Sharon’s party dressed as the Hutt with the sexy gut, everyone’s going to feel your force.
How to make Sexy Jabba the Hutt – Take two 24’ x 50’, tan colored tarps, link them together with zipties and stuff them full of rotting garbage. Climb inside and stick your head out the top.
2. Sexy Albert Einstein – You know what’s sexy? Intelligence. You’ll be sure to score some prime numbers as you cruise Sharon’s party dressed as the smartest man the world has ever known. With your advanced knowledge of Special Relativity, it will be relatively easy to find that someone special.
How to make Sexy Albert Einstein – Pick up an old timey looking suit from the antique suit store and shave the front part of your head to get that sexy going bald look. Complete your disheveled genius look by gluing some of your head hair to your upper lip to recreate Einstein’s signature mustache. Learn everything there is to know about theoretical physics.
3. Sexy Whoopee Cushion – Everyone knows that funny is sexy and nothing is funnier or sexier than a Whoopee Cushion. Squeeze yourself into a gross smelling rubber costume and mingle among Sharon’s other guests ripping loud farts and reminding everyone that, “There’s plenty of Whoopee Cushion for the pushing.”
How to make Sexy Whoopee Cushion – Squeeze into an old inflatable rubber exercise ball and inflate it with car exhaust. Eat a bunch of beans, or dairy if you’re lactose intolerant. Fart.
4. Sexy Human Ear – You know what really turns people on? Listening. Hearing what other people have to say is super sexy and you’ll be doing it dressed as a gigantic human ear. “I hear you’ve got the sexiest costume at this party,” says everyone!
How to make Sexy Human Ear – Glue together three to four hundred half gallon plastic milk jugs into the shape of an ear. Fill the ear canal with wax toilet rings to simulate naturally occurring human ear wax. Add hair and piercings as you see fit.
5. Sexy Great Grandma – One of the sexiest things on this planet is human kindness and nobody is more kind or reminds you more that we are all human and therefore mortal than great grandma. Sharon’s party is about to get straight up sexy as you politely and very slowly pick your way through the crowd, checking to make sure that everyone is feeling okay, handing out Werther’s Originals and sipping herbal tea. Who wants a tea bag?
How to make Sexy Great Grandma – Get an old moth-eaten dress and a musty smelling sweater. Don some thick bifocals and dip your entire body in translucent candle wax to simulate great grandma’s thinning skin. Draw on some veins and arteries with a magic marker, have all of your teeth removed and slip on a pair of adult diapers. Damn that’s sexy!
There you have it: Five of the sexiest Halloween costumes you ever seen. Have a safe and happy Halloween and say hi to Sharon, she’s the one dressed as the sexy nurse. Boring!