In what is being hailed as a completely transcendent moment of artistic expression, local dad, Ron Labrador, an insurance salesman who’s been described by many in his family as pretty boring, carved his family’s twenty-three-pound turkey into a statue of a semi-nude ancient Greek woman.
“I was figuring dad would just do his usual carving and we’d eat,” said Ron’s son Pete, a high school dropout and all-around family disappointment, “but once he started carving, I thought to myself, is this my dad or is this Praxiteles of Athens?”
Ron, who has taken over the helm of carving the turkey ever since his dad retired from it five years ago is known to mostly butcher and destroy the bird with the electric carving knives. “He usually just hacks it into a bunch of chunks and tells us to eat,” said his daughter Christine, a pregnant teenager, “I’ve never seen dad do anything like this. I mean this woman that rose out of the turkey is so lifelike. I feel like I’m having Thanksgiving dinner in the Temple of Aphrodite at Knidos.”
Similarities to the famous ancient Greek sculpture of Aphrodite are striking; from the exposed breasts, to the slight turn of her head, to the hand that deftly covers her pubis.
“Yeah it was super dope,” said Trey Hampton, a grocery store bagger and the boy who knocked Christine up, “This turkey chick has amazing titties and even though she’s covering her bush I feel like if I just imagine it, I can see it. It also kind of stirs up questions in my mind, like, is Christine’s dad trying to make a statement about how our society views female sexuality and what is my responsibility when it comes to the feminist point of view?”
“Look, I don’t know what to say,” said Marv Buckmeier, Ron’s brother in law who is known to hold extreme political and religious viewpoints, “Every year I buy a bottle of rot gut whiskey, get smashed and look forward to getting into a screaming match with Ron’s libtard sister, but not this year.” With tears stinging his eyes Marv smiled at the meaty masterpiece and seemed to be lost in his own world of wonder before slowly coming back to reality. “Reminds me of a woman I once loved. It’s erotic and tragic at the same time. Goddamn I miss Denise. I’ve really fucked up my life. I see that now.” As he wiped the tears from his eyes, he stated, “did you know Jesus was a Republican.”
Janice, Ron’s sister, seated at the opposite end of the table had a similar reaction. Silently watching Ron as he worked, she eventually had to bury her face in her napkin and loudly sob as the statue evoked emotions long since buried. “I’m just moved by this. I mean, how did he get the drumsticks to look like legs? Once thing’s for sure, I can’t eat this, it’s too beautiful. Also, I’m pretty sure Jesus was a woman and a Democrat.”
Maybe the most surprised was Ron’s wife, Jill, a professional adulterer who has been engaged in liaisons with several of the neighbors, the mailman and the local FEDEX guy. “Life sucks, I’ll be the first to admit that,” said Jill in between chugs of Stella Rosa Moscato, “Ron won’t touch me, the house is in foreclosure, my kids are a mess and I never grew up to be a princess; but seeing this woman grow out of our Thanksgiving turkey has somehow given me hope that there is still good in this world. Maybe Ron isn’t the boring log of wood that I only married because I was pregnant with Pete. Maybe I will see Paris one day. Maybe I still have a chance to live.”
The carving took a scant fifteen minutes to complete. Afterwards the entire table just sat in blessed silence and really took it in, before Trey chimed in with, “I’ll take a titty.”
When asked for comment about the carving Ron lifted his beer to his lips, took a long swallow and said, “I’m fucking wasted,” then he barfed in the gravy.