The Guide to Lesser Known Holiday Characters, Events and Places

It’s that time of year again; time to break out the holiday lights, slip into a nice pair of holiday chaps and sit around with your friends talking about all of your favorite holiday characters, events and places while sipping hot cocoa and nibbling on mistletoe. If you really want to impress your friends this year, arrive at your annual get together armed with a box of white Zin and the knowledge of lesser known Holiday Characters, Events and Places!

Characters:

Gandolph the White Haired Reindeer – Known for his wizard magic, Gandolph roams the forests of the North Pole conjuring up cocaine storms and turning elves to stone.

Slushy the Snowman – Made from a pile of dirty road slush, Slushy is a happy-go-lucky fellow who shoots white beams of pure happiness at people depressed by the hell of the holiday season.

St. Dickolas – Living with penguins at the South Pole, this second cousin of Santa Claus travels around the world on the day after Christmas, farting in elevators, talking loudly on his cell phone in restaurants and taking up two parking spots with his BMW at the mall.

Boing Crobby – Real singer of the holiday classics, No Talking Night, The Brismas Song and Gravy Maria.

Events:

Visiting Santa at the Mall – Each year probation officers across the country visit Santa Claus to conduct random drug tests.

Holiday Lights – Cigarette maker handing out free cigs at liquor stores everywhere.

The Buttcracker – Nothing is as magical as settling in with the ones you love on a cold and snowy night to watch the holiday pornographic classic, The Buttcracker.

Cutting a Tree – The annual tradition of cutting down your neighbor’s trees.

Places:

The Smooth Sailing Jazz Club – Place where the baby Jazzus was born.

The North Pole – Seedy holiday themed gentlemen’s club just off the freeway on the way out of town.

Your Heart – That place where the magic of the holiday season once lived.

Happy Holidays!