Bill Pullout, the silverware drawer located in a sleepy suburban area of the kitchen, next to the sink, is apparently going through a major mid-knife crisis. Bill, who in his younger days stored some of the sharpest steak knives in the house, has recently only stored dull butter knives long past their usefulness. The recent addition of a sleek, stainless steel paring knife, rumored to have cost a fortune has many in the kitchen wondering what is going on.
“It’s not just the paring knife,” said his wife Glenda Glides, the oven mitt drawer located right next to Bill. He’s also been arranging his knives in order to cover up the empty spot in the back of his tray. It’s not like he’s fooling anyone. He hasn’t had a full tray of knives for years. I guess he’s just trying to feel younger.
In addition to the paring knife Bill was seen speaking with the knife block in the upscale neighborhood of East Kitchen, above the microwave. “I’m thinking of getting a cleaver!” said an excited Bill, “I’ve always wanted one. This baby is double rolled carbon steel, has a polished quartz handle and will chop from zero to sixty beef flanks in less than three seconds.”
“A cleaver?” said Glenda, “Where the hell is going to put a cleaver?”
“Glenda has really been negative about this,” said Bill, “Look I’ve worked hard for a long time now and if I want to spend some of my hard-earned cash on a couple of slick looking knives and some new contact paper for my drawer so what.”
“About that, I’m sorry but he just looks ridiculous wearing that fancy new contact paper. He’s not a smoothly sanded drawer anymore, he’s got divots, food stains and water damage and you can see it all through that tight new contact paper.”
When pressed as to what may have brought this mid-knife crisis on, Glenda sighed and pointed to the brand-new cabinets recently installed on the other side of the kitchen. “Ever since that hot little cabinet moved in across the linoleum Bill has been acting like a complete idiot. As if she would ever go for a drawer twenty-years her senior. He swears that has nothing to do with his behavior but I know it does. We may be headed for a divorce.”
“Julie? She thinks I’m buying all of these knives because I’ve got a thing for Julie Cabinet?” said an incredulous Bill as he did some drawer glides in front of a mirror. “I’m not stupid, I know a hot young thing like that would never go for an old drawer like me.” He paused mid set and stared at himself in the mirror. “She hasn’t said anything about me, has she?”
Bill did move forward with the purchase of the cleaver and has been proudly displaying it for the whole kitchen to see. “He bought it and he doesn’t even use it,” said Glenda, “moron.”
Two weeks later Glenda caught Bill slamming Julie and officially called it quits. Bill is supposedly selling all of his knives and converting himself into a junk drawer, while Glenda is taking her oven mitts and moving back to a small utility drawer in the hallway where she’s originally from.